There’s No Such Thing as the Typical Coach’s Wife

Over the years I’ve heard more than one coach’s wife say “I’m not the typical coach’s wife.”It breaks my heart when I hear that.  I feel like they are comparing themselves to this imaginary image and that it's stealing their joy. After meeting so many wives over the years, I’ve come to the conclusion that there’s really no such thing as a typical coach's wife. There’s no need for comparison to other wives and especially when it’s it so a perception that seems to be floating out there that all coach’s wives teach school and that we all love sports. I’m here to tell you that’s not true on either case.

Perception #1 - All coach’s wives teach school.

Now a lot of wives do teach and I truly admire those coach’s wives. They have a set of skills and patience that I’ll never have. They are heroes in our schools and get to engage with the athletes in ways that those of us who don’t teach won’t ever experience.

However, I’ve been the wife of a coach for nineteen years now and I’ve never been on a staff where even the majority of the wives teach school. I’ve seen stay at home moms, accountants, bankers, nurses, for profit jobs, nonprofit jobs and everything in between. There’s no one career mold that fits all.

I don’t teach. I’m in the nonprofit world. My coach is supportive of my career and knows that I’m exactly where the Lord has called me to be. Yeah, I don’t get summers, spring break, fall break, etc., but I’m in a job that I love and am excited to go to work every day. 

Perception #2 – All coach’s wives love sports.

Yes, it’s probably easier to be the wife of a coach if you do love sports, but you don’t have to. Some people just don’t enjoy sports. I get that. If you don’t love/like sports, I encourage you to find other ways to get involved in your husband’s career choice. Maybe it’s writing notes to his players or having them over for dinner. I haven’t loved every sport he has coached over the years and some I’ve even found quite boring so I try to find other ways to be involved rather than just watching. I find a job that needs to be done. I’ve kept the book. I’ve worked the concession stand. I’ve passed out the medals. Through all of these I’ve learned to appreciate the sport a little more and my coach sees that I want to support him in what he does.

When my coach and I married, I enjoyed football but I really didn’t have a clue what was going on during the game. He gave me “Football for Dummies” and I read it and asked questions. My thought process was that if football was going to be a part of my life, I should learn something about so I could at least be a part of his conversations. I work for Susan G. Komen and tease him that he needs to know as much about breast cancer as I know about football. That’s what works for us. Find what works for you.

Coach’s wives come in all forms, all careers and all levels of love or dislike of sports. The beauty of it is, you and your coach found each other and there’s something there that’s special. Focus on each other and support each other. Remember there’s no such thing as being typical so quit trying to compare yourself to a perception. Don't let a perception steal your joy! Where would the fun be if we were all alike?

Cheering you on!
Laurel

But it IS Personal

If you’ve ever read any of my blogs I hope that you know that I try to be thoughtful about what I write. I never want to come across as knowing everything or hurting anyone’s feelings as I write. I’m not the overall expert in being the wife of a coach but I have tried to learn from my mistakes over the years and I try to be intentional in my writings. Some things I mull over in my mind and write and rewrite for months.  This is one of those blogs. Please know that it comes from my heart and it not intended to hurt feelings or friendships. It’s about a phrase that is used in passing and I’m sure if anyone that uses it stopped to think about the hurt that it brings they would stop saying it. Ok – so here it goes.

I’ve heard the phrase several times over our years of coaching and each time I hear it I want to come unglued.  The phrase usually comes after a parent as expressed frustration about the coaching staff and in some cases even called for the staff to be let go. The phrase – “It’s nothing personal.” After hearing it, I bite my tongue, count to ten and just nod. 

Here’s what I’d really like to say:

Don’t you get it?  That coaching staff that you just criticized and are calling to be replaced spends more time with your child and up at the field house than they do with their own friends and family. Even when my coach is home, he’s on the computer working game plans, watching film, checking grades, responding to your emails, on the phone with other coaches, on the phone with parents, responding to texts from students and athletes, the list is endless. When we are out to dinner it’s the same. He’s responding to urgent emails and taking calls. If we run into you while out in the community, he stops and talks and listens to your questions, concerns, comments, critiques.

It’s personal. It’s very personal. My coach wants what’s best for your child.  He wants him to succeed on and off the field. He wants him to grow physically, spiritually and academically. My coach is all in when it comes to your child – so it IS personal. If you’ve spent any time with us at all you know that we think of your children as our own.  They are a part of our family. They are on our Christmas cards. They eat dinner at our house. It IS personal.

My coach invests in your child on and off the field. Whether you child starts, sits the bench or somewhere in between, he’s invested in his well being. You aren’t there at school and at every practice. You don’t see the one on one conversations that are taking place. You are probably not aware of the text conversations. My coach is listening to the thoughts and frustrations of your child. He’s investing in him and showing them that sports teaches more than just playing time and success.  Sports is like life, sometimes it doesn’t go according to plan. There is always someone smarter, faster and stronger. Your attitude does determine your altitude.  Your work ethic says a lot about your character.  My coach is trying to teach life lessons that will make him a better man. Sports is just a blip on the radar of your life, but the man that you become lasts a lifetime. Set your goals and hearts on eternal things not just that playing field.

My coach has invested twenty years in coaching. He’s all in. To invest that long proves that it IS personal. Please don’t insult him by saying it’s not.

That’s what I’d like to say, but I don’t. I’ve learned over the years, it’s not my place and that it would probably do more harm than good. So, I write and rewrite it in my mind for months. It’s how I process. Now I’m finally putting it out there on my blog for the world to see. I hope that you as you read these words you see the heart that it behind them.  It is personal for me and my coach and we are all in for your child.

Cheering you on!
Laurel

I Need a Laundry Fairy

I’d like to preface this blog with the fact that yes, my mother taught me better than this but yes, I fail miserably in this area. Please don’t judge her.  Yes, you can judge me but confession is good for the soul.

A couple of years ago I wrote a blog about how coaches should come with warning labels. One label I forgot is probably one of the most important. Coaches come with laundry. A LOT OF LAUNDRY. OH MY GOODNESS THE AMOUNT OF LAUNDRY!!!! We are going into my coach’s twentieth season and each year I’m still amazed that the laundry at my house is NEVER done.  Just when I think I’ve got it all done and the laundry hamper is empty, in he walks with his bag and another load of laundry. Thanks to the crazy practice and school schedule my coach changes clothes at least four times a day.  Sometimes there’s a fifth change if we are going out to dinner or to a school function. 

It’s insane the amount of laundry that he generates on a daily/weekly basis. The worst of it is how much I HATE doing laundry.  I’ve never been a fan of the task and my loathing seem to grow every football season. You can ask my mother.  Growing up, I’d rather clean the bathroom than help with the laundry. Same holds true today. I don’t know what it is about it, but I just don’t like it.  Last year we had to buy a new washer and dryer so I made sure I had a bigger one thinking I’d get it done faster. Well, the laundry gods were not in my favor.  It may be bigger but somehow the words energy efficient makes it ten times slower. So the agony has increased and the amount of time doing it has doubled or tripled.

There’s not a part of laundry I like. I hate to sort it. I hate to wash it. Putting it in the dryer is a pain. Folding it seems to take forever. Then there’s the putting it away.  That’s where it’s the worst!  At our house we have a bad habit of folding it and then just leaving it on the guest bed.  It seems the guest bed has become our other closet.  On more than one occasion when we’ve had surprise overnight guests, we’ve been known to take the piles and put them back in the laundry basket and then stash the basket as the guests are walking in the door.

For a while I tried to convince myself that doing laundry on Saturdays while watching college football was the way to take my mind of the tediousness of the job.  However, I found that if my team was in a tight game I’d forget what I was doing and get consumed by the game. I also found that if my team was doing poorly my clothes weren’t treated as well as they could be and that I was most likely adding wrinkles by twisting the shirt in my hands rather than properly folding it. So much for that idea.

Many girls dream of a fairy godmother. I dream of a laundry fairy. I need someone or something to come and wave her magic wand and sort, wash, dry, fold and put away my laundry.  I don’t think I’m asking much.  Just once in my life I’d like to go more than an hour without any clothes in the laundry hamper.

Cheering you on,
Laurel 

I’m not a Widow

Now that football season is here a lot of people I talk to like to refer to me as a “football widow”. They make remarks like “Oh, you husband is in season so now you’re a widow again.” Or “So, how’s it being a football widow again this time of year?”

I’ve really come to hate that term.  I’m not a widow.  I’m still married.  He didn’t die.  He’s just busy.  He’s obviously at the school and the field house more than he’s home, but that still doesn’t make him dead and it still doesn’t make me a widow.  When your husband actually dies and leaves this earth and you the wife are left behind then you are a widow.  Your husband doesn’t choose die. It just happens.  My husband chooses to be a football coach and he chooses to go to work.  There’s a big difference there.

Yes, it’s a crazy time for the next four – hopefully five- months but he’s still alive.  He’s choosing to coach. He’s choosing to do a job that he loves and has a passion doing.  He chooses to invest in the lives of the young men he’s coaching.  He’s choosing to teach them not only the game of football but about everyday life. He’s choosing to show them what it means to be a man of God. He’s choosing to show them how Christ has made a difference in his life. He’s choosing to show them how to be a good husband and what it looks like to love his wife.  He’s very much alive and I’m still not a widow.

I understand that while he’s very much alive at the field house that means that there are things at home that I’m going to have to deal with alone.   Yes, I know that something major is going to break and I’m going to have to deal with it.  This year that something has already broken and I’m dealing with it and we’re just out of two a days. I understand that I may have to go to work, family or church functions without him. I understand that weekends are spent without him and that things like date nights become virtually non-existent.  Even with all of that, we’re still married.  I may not see him much, but I still see him. He’s still physically in this world.  I do get to hear him laugh, see his smile and watch him fulfill his passion on that football field every Friday night.  He’s not gone forever. He’s just busy.

So for those of you who like to refer to me as a “football widow” – please don’t.  I’m still happily married.  He may not always be with me when I’m out and about but he’s still alive and a part of my life. Our married life may look different than yours but it works for us. My coach is fulfilling God’s call in his life and I’m cheering him on for listening and obeying that call.

Cheering you on,
Laurel

More than Wins and Losses

There’s so much more that goes into Friday night lights than meets the eye. In a world where it’s all about the win and having a winning record the real story sometimes gets missed.  Now don’t get me wrong, I’d much rather win than lose, but I know there’s more to it than just that.  I know that coaching is a ministry and that my husband and his fellow coaches are out there every day teaching young men and women how to maneuver through life and to be who God has called them to be in life. 

Just today on my Facebook feed I’ve seen stories about teaching a young man how to tie a tie. I’ve see a coach who went home and got a pair of his own jeans for a player to wear because his had holes in them and violated dress code. Turns out that poor kid had more problems than just holes in his jeans. He had just learned that his mom was dying.  I know of a player who lost his mom to cancer and is still angry with God about it. There’s an entire team dealing with the sudden loss of one of their coaches.  It’s our coaches that are there to teach valuable life lessons to these kids and to be the shoulder they need to cry on and to teach these kids that the Lord is in control.

Those players and students are watching as our coaches’ deal with the pressures of the season. They are watching to see how to win with humility and lose with grace. They are watching as our coaches’ act and react to staffing changes, teaching full class loads while in season. They are watching as our coaches interact with their families before and after practices and games.  Each action and reaction our coaches take, players are watching. They are looking for role models. They are determining if that’s the kind of man or woman they want to be when they grow up.

Coaching is more than X's and O's. It's more that winning games.  It's a chance to dive deep into the lives of the young men and women and to be their spiritual coach as well.  On average coaches spend at least 20 hours a week with their players - just in practices, games, watching film, etc. Once you add in the hours of teaching and game planning, and all of the other duties of a coach, the work time can exceed 80 hours a week.  While they are away from their families, they at school getting to know their kids on a deep and personal level.  They have the opportunity to see where these kids are spiritually and share their faith with them.  This is an amazing opportunity and it's what God has called them to do.

Being the wife of coach isn't always easy and sometimes the hours are long and the frustration level is high but there are rewards. The greatest reward is to see these young men come back after they have graduated and to hear them tell my coach thank you.  They say thank you for investing in them and spending time with them. They thank him for not killing them when sometimes they needed killing. Others thank him for just being there and listening. I even heard one thank him for all the times my coach yelled at him because he said that’s exactly what he needed. He went on to say that he needed someone to believe in him and he knew that as long as my coach was yelling at him and directing him on the practice field that he knew that my coach believed in him and hadn’t given up on him. That’s what coaching is all about.

Our coaches are making a daily impact in the lives of the young men and women they coach. Often times it’s the coaches that know more about what’s going on with a player than his/her own family does. It goes way beyond Friday night lights. It’s about molding the lives of these young men and women to become the person that God has called them to be and it’s up to our coaches and the wives of coaches to do our part in the process.

Cheering you on!
Laurel

Lay Down Your Burdens

If you are like me you have really enjoyed having your coach home for the summer.  Football is now in full swing in my house as it across the state of Texas. I know it’s football season but not for the reasons you would suspect.  Yes, he’s gone from dawn to dusk. Yes he comes home smelling like sweat and football. Yes there are remnants of field turf tracked across my otherwise clean floors but there’s more.

I know it’s football season because I’m receiving emails and texts messages and watching the thread on Facebook feed fill with prayer requests, struggles and concerns.  I’m watching my friends and fellow coach’s wives all of the sudden having to start dealing with things by themselves that they would normally team up with their coach on to handle. These things could be small or they could be big. On the first day of two a days at our house the garage door all of the sudden quick working. There I stood thinking “ok – how do I get this fixed before my coach hits the door. I don’t want to face him with a problem when he’s hot and tired.” Thankfully my coach’s best friend happens to be a basketball coach who’s not in season and was able to come to my rescue. Small thing. A couple of weeks ago we came home to find a good portion of the shower wall tile in the floor. Contractors have determined that I’s not an easy fix and that major construction is needed. Of course it took until now for the contractors to complete their bids and financing to get settled.  Football starts and so does major construction that comes with lots of decisions. Decisions I would normally turn to my coach and ask his thoughts.  Now his thoughts are concentrated on football and I’m home making it happen.  Big thing.

Just this week I know of wives that are dealing with parents who have been diagnosed with cancer and another whose parents have Alzheimer’s. I know a wife whose daughter who is going through a divorce and dealing with depression. Another wife whose coach who has cancer.  Another whose son who has cancer. Another wife who is closing on their house and moving the first week of school. All big things.

Each and every day there is a wife of a coach dealing with so many big and little things. We are all trying to balance these with our daily lives and trying to take care of our husbands and families during the season. For you it may be football season or basketball or baseball or all of the above. But, we don’t have to go through it alone. We have each other. Wives all of the U.S. understand what it is to be the wife of a coach. They get that our husbands are building into you men and young women while we are home dealing with a hundred different issues. They get that coaching is a ministry and it’s up to our families to show Jesus to a lot of these kids. They understand that while it’s time away from our family it’s time spent increasing our heavenly families. These wives are there for each other and they are there for you and me. Each time a request or concern is emailed to me or comes across my Facebook feed I stop and pray for that amazing woman and what she’s going through. I know other wives do the same thing for me.

I know we have each other but I also know we also have the Lord. In church a few weeks ago a member of our preaching team was talking about handling all that life seems to through at us.  He sang on old hymn that puts it all into perspective.

CHORUS
Lay down your burden I will carry you
I will carry you my child, my child
Lay down your burden I will carry you
I will carry you my child, my child

Cause I can walk on water ..
Calm a restless sea
I've done a thousand things you've never done
And I'm really watching
While you struggle on your way
Call on my name, Ill come

Lay down your burden I will carry you
I will carry you my child, my child
Lay down your burden I will carry you
I will carry you my child, my child

I give vision to the blind

I can raise the dead
I've seen the darker side of hell
And I've returned
I've seen those sleepless night
And Count every tear you cry
Some lessons hurt to learn

Lay down your burden I will carry you
I will carry you my child, my child
Lay down your burden I will carry you
I will carry you my child, my child

So now that football is in full swing I know things are going to come up that I’m going to have to deal with whether I want to or not. I also know that I can lay down that burden and that my Lord will carry me and he will carry my burden.  Lay down your burden. Jesus has you.

Cheering you on,
Laurel

The In-between Times

If you’re not a part of the coaching world you probably think the season ends with the last game. Those are the same people that think once you walk off the field or the court for the last time of the season you don’t think about it again till it’s time take the field or court again next year. Those people are wrong on both counts.

If you are coach or married to one you know that the moment your season ends you enter the in-between zone. The in-between zone can either a time when you are simply waiting for offseason or your second season to start or it can be a time of uncertainty.  That uncertainty is usually related to job status. Your coach is either looking for a new job because he’s lost his or he’s looking for a new opportunity to move up or sometimes just move out.  You are caught in the in-between or in a state of limbo.  The dictionary defines limbo as: an intermediate, transitional, or midway state or place.

For coaching families limbo is hard. If your coaching staff has immediate changes, it’s hard on the family that’s affected and its hard on the other families on the coaching staff.  If you are close with the families on your coaching staff you are hurt and frustrated for those that were asked to leave. If your coach or another good friend is promoted into that vacant role you want to celebrate for them.  You find yourself in the in-between zone trying to support both families.  While in Sunday School today, we read the Romans 12:15. It says “Rejoice with those who rejoice and mourn with those who mourn.”  

Often times you are laughing with one friend and seconds later turning around to shed tears with another. This is the part of coaching that not people see and it’s hard and it hurts but I’ve learned that you continue to love and you continue to grow.  Friendships may take on a new look but if your roots are deep with those friends they will grow deeper. You may not be on the same staff the next season but you still have your friendship and they are just a phone call, text or even a Facetime away.  There’s also always the chance that you can be back on the same staff at some point in the future.

If you’re not in limbo looking for a job because you have to you make be in that limbo world of waiting for your coach to see what else is out there.  Is there a chance to move to a bigger school?  Is there a chance to become a coordinator or head coach?  There’s always a chance for something new on the horizon.  This is always the time of year when wives living in limbo wonder if they buy that cute shirt or dress that happens to be school colors or do see if they have that same cute shirt or dress in a more basic color that could transition to any school?  Do you start that house project or wait till his contract is signed and he’s looked you in the eyes and promised that you’re staying put for at least one more season. Do you sign the kids up for summer camps and activities and ask if there is a refund policy in place in the chance that you’re moving?  Welcome to the in-between zone. 

The in-between zone is hard. When transitions have happened at our school(s) I’ve found myself running errands in another suburb just so I didn’t have to run into a parent or school board member or any member of the community for that matter. I understand that they have questions. I usually have questions too. I’m not the head coach. I don’t know what he’s thinking. I don’t know what his wife is thinking either so please don’t ask me that. I’m sure she’s running through the same emotions we all are at the moment.  I’ll usually surface again after the emotions have died down and after I’ve maneuvered my own in-between zone.  

Just yesterday my friend who is also the wife of coach and I were discussing that most people enjoy spring and the new possibilities it brings. For us it’s just another year in the in-between zone. We wait to hear if our husbands are staying or going. Are they interviewing for a new opportunity or content for another year?  We’ve just learned to trust that they are praying about what’s right for them and for our family. We remind each other to be their Ruth and go where they need us to go and cheer on their team wherever and whoever it may be for the season.

Excuse me now.  I’m going to go put Romans 12:15 in to action and laugh with my friends who on the brink on new and exciting things and also shed some tears with some of those who may need a good cry. See you on the other side of the in-between.

Cheering YOU on!
Laurel