Extra Grace Required

Now that we are deep into football season and everyone has hit district play the stakes are higher and the stress levels are climbing daily. Several coaches’ wives across the state have reached out to me directly and I’ve seen them post in groups for coaches’ wives about how to deal with fans and their reactions to a bad play or a losing season. Let’s first establish that there is no easy way and it’s a skill and art form that you have to learn on your own.  We’ve been doing this coaching thing for 21 years now so I’ve learned a thing or two over the years. So please take it from me when I say, turning around to the fan and saying “Well, if your son would run the play my husband called” is not in your best interest.  That’s when I learned to bite my tongue.

A few years ago, we had a head coach that had the mantra of Extra Grace Required or EGR for short. This phrase has stayed with me and over the years has grown to be a part of my everyday vocabulary both at work and in stands on Friday nights.

As I began thinking about this blog, I asked a few pastor friends of mine for their definition of grace. David said, “I usually refer to grace as receiving the good you don't deserve (as opposed to mercy where you don't get what you do deserve).”  Alan expanded on David’s definition and said “We often substitute mercy for grace. In my ministry context being nonjudgmental is a must. Since I have no judgement to give, allowing people however messed up their lives may be to "come as they are" feels more like the grace I want to give because it's been extended to me.”

So now you’re probably thinking ok, that’s nice but what does it have to do with that angry fan in the stands? Well, here’s what I think. My coach and I approach his job as a ministry. He’s ministering to those young men on and off the field. I have the opportunity to minister to those fans in the stands. Many know who I am and the majority of the crowd knows that I’m sitting with the other coaches’ wives and our families. I’ve actually seen some turn our way when something goes wrong on the field. They are seeing how I react. When someone is yelling something hateful about the coaches, others turn to watch my reaction and the reaction of the other wives. Here’s where EGR comes in.  Rather than engaging and responding back like I once made the mistake of doing, now I take a deep breath and just whisper EGR.  I have to stop and think judgement is not mine to give. I need to extend grace to this fan. I have no idea where he’s coming from. I have no idea what battle he is personally fighting. What I do know is that my actions toward him speak volumes. What I choose not to say says more than any words spoken.

Proverbs 21:23 (NIV) says “Those who guard their mouths and their tongues keep themselves from calamity.”  Y’all trust me, I’ve seen calamity and it’s not pretty.  Learn from my mistakes. I know for some this is easier said than done. I have one friend that started taking her lawn chair and sitting in the end zone so that she was removed from the situation rather than biting her tongue off in the stands. Another wife was able to move to the back row and in the corner so that she didn’t have to be surrounded by the fans. If that’s not possible surround yourself with other wives or friends that you can help each other if the situation arises. One night I was so frustrated and ready to say something but before I could my sweet friend quietly said to me “Maybe you need to read your own blog.” I took a deep breath and giggled since I’ve written on this topic before. Find what works for you and do it and just whisper EGR.

Cheering you on,
Laurel

Blessed are they that Mourn

I remember it like it was yesterday. I don’t always remember the actual date but somehow my heart does. I get weepy. I get sad. Then I look at the calendar and think well now it all makes sense. It’s the day we lost Jacob. The day our world changed. That day was five years ago today. As with all tragedy it’s hard to see God working in the moment but when you look back you can see His hand in every step.

It was a Sunday afternoon I had been working on the details of a gala that I was coordinating at our church for our pastor’s 25^th Anniversary. I had the windows open. There was a cool breeze in the air. I was standing in the kitchen looking at cake stands for the dinner and the phone rang. It was my coach and I could hear in his voice that something was wrong. He said several of the boys were up at the lake and they had been diving. “There’s been an accident. Laurel – it’s Jacob.” My heart sank. Tears filled my eyes. I love all of our players and never want anything to happen to any of them but this one hit really hard. You see, Jacob was one of ours. He played safety. He had been sitting on my couch just last week. His picture was on our mantle. Jacob was special. He had become family.

Too shaken to drive I asked one of our neighbors to drive me up to the field house. This is the first time I saw God move. My neighbors were also Christians. Chris prayed the entire nine-minute drive to the school.He prayed for Jacob. He prayed for his family. He prayed for me and my coach. He prayed for the team. Hey prayed for the rescue workers.  He didn’t stop and I know God heard his prayers.

When I entered the field house I found the coaches praying. We called several of the youth ministers in town and told them about the accident and asked that they come meet us at the football field. Here was the second time I saw God move. Just that morning I had met the youth minister at Irving Bible Church. He had given me his phone number in case I ever needed it. I needed it less than five hours later.

Word was spreading fast throughout the town and we were seeing that the kids all wanted to be together to pray and to hope for Jacob’s recovery.  We looked up and they began to come. Two, three, four at a time and then there were hundreds of teenagers, parents, ministers, coaches and wives standing on the field.  We were crying, praying, holding each other and trying to explain why bad things happen to those we love. It’s one of the hardest things I've ever done.  I was trying to hold it together for those kids while my heart was broken inside.  I had just lost one of my children and they had lost a friend. We prayed late into the evening. No one wanted to leave. We knew that if we went home it would become real. That was Sunday.

On Monday everyone had to return to school. They were still waiting to hear that they had found Jacob. The story made the local news. Jacob was a senior and a star player and captain on the team. Monday turned into Tuesday. Tuesday into Wednesday. Wednesday into Thursday. The news crews kept coming. We still had no word on Jacob.  Now national news stations were picking up the story.  Then Thursday night came and the rescue teams found him. Jacob was recovered at 9:21 pm or, in military time, 21:21. What’s special about that is Jacob wore number 21. Now the team could play knowing that their captain and brother had been found.

Now it’s Friday night and God moved yet again. We were playing Flower Mound High School that night. My coach and I have several friends from church who had children at Flower Mound. Members of the coaching staff from both schools were a part of an organization called Coaches Outreach. We knew we had friends praying for us as we took the field for the first time without Jacob. Fans stopped and prayed for us and with us. They hung signs of support and gave us hugs after the game. It was an honor to be a part of TX High School Football that night.

Saturday. It was the night of the gala at our church. Amidst everything else going on that week I had to pull off a dinner for 500 people to honor our pastor. God moved again. As our pastor walked in the door he made a bee line for me and my coach. You see he was not only our pastor but he was Jacob’s pastor too. Andy knew that Jacob was one of ours. He knew the grief that we were walking through and God put him in our path to hold us up and love on us while we were trying to love him.

Monday. Now came the hardest part. It was time to say goodbye to Jacob.  On Monday afternoon we entered our church where we worshiped every Sunday and where Jacob and his family worshiped. Over two thousand people came to say goodbye and to honor and celebrate Jacob. It was a celebration. We celebrated his life and his faith and we knew it was okay to say goodbye because he was standing in Heaven praising his Savior.  There were more moments of laughter than there were tears and there were even more moments when we just stood and praised our Lord.  That’s exactly how Jacob would have wanted it. God moved in a mighty way here.

It's been five years now and God is still moving in the lives of those who loved Jacob. Jacob was a young man with a faith deeper than his years. He was quick to tell everyone he met about Jesus. He wanted everyone to have the faith he had and to walk with the Lord like he was walking. His friends still talk about how he loved Jesus. They are deeper in their faith because of it. Some of them have been about to speak on a national level about him and his faith. Lives have been touched in Africa because of Jacob and his family. There are now two homes in Zambia filled with young men who are learning about Jesus. Our friendships with his teammates are deeper and forever entwined. That team will always hold a special place in our hearts. Because we lost Jacob my coach and I have been able to speak about how coaching is a ministry for us and not just a job.

God is still moving. Lives are still being changed. Out of a great and heartbreaking loss that will forever be a part of my soul God is still moving. Matthew 5: 4 “Blessed are they that mourn for they shall be comforted.” As I sit back and see all of the times that God has moved through these five years I am blessed and I am comforted.

Cheering you on,
Laurel

Searching for Joy

When I was in college, all those years ago, my mother sent me a card that I really wish I still had today. On the front cover, there was a little guy wearing his rain slicker and holding an umbrella. There was a rain cloud above him and the card said, “Into every life a little rain must fall.” When I opened the card, the poor little guy was flying through the air sideways with rain and wind blowing right at him. The inside line read: “Followed by high winds and hail.” After the events of the past two weeks this card seems appropriate even today.

I love how God works. The minute I start a bible study called “Fight Back with Joy” all sorts of things start happening.  Since the study began I’ve seen two of my close friends deal with their moms who both have very serious illnesses and I’ve watched my friends in Southeast Texas get pummeled by Hurricane Harvey. Before I go in any further – warning to all my other friends – I’m only two weeks in to this six-week study to hang on!

In last week’s lesson, it talked about how Paul fought back with joy even while in prison as he sang praises to our Lord and witnessed to those that kept him captive. I’ve seen one of those prison cells and if Paul can fight back with joy in a cell that he couldn’t even stretch out in, then surely, I can fight back with joy in my day to day first world problems and frustrations. I’ve watched Amanda have an amazing attitude and find a sense of peace as her mother spends her last days here on earth. She knows her mother will soon see Jesus and that one day they will all be reunited. I’ve watched Jennifer evacuate her house and come back to start the rebuilding process. All while saying that she didn’t feel devastated at all. In fact, she felt hopeful and blessed.  Now that’s how you fight back with joy!

Now that football season is in full swing I’m betting that I’m going to have multiple opportunities throughout the next few weeks to fight back with some of my own joy. My job gets extremely busy this time of year and then when you add on the crazy schedule of my coach we are already exhausted and challenged and it’s only week one of the season. Exhaustion makes me cranky which makes finding joy even more of a challenge.  When you add to that the stresses of work, the stresses of football season, the inevitable of something breaking at the house, i.e. the air conditioner, the hot water heater, the dishwasher disposal, etc. (all of which have happened to me personally), finding joy becomes a greater task.  While pondering all of that, it got me to thinking. Maybe finding my joy isn’t as hard as I had originally thought.

As with all things I need to go to scripture to help me find my joy. It’s right there and it’s there a bunch! Here are just a few examples.

Psalms 126:5 (KJV) - They that sow in tears shall reap in joy.

James 1:2 (NIV) - Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds,

Job 8:21 (NIV) - He will yet fill your mouth with laughter and your lips with shouts of joy.

Galatians 5:22 (KJV) - But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith,…

Habakkuk 3:18 (KJV) - Yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will joy in the God of my salvation.

Acts 13:52 (KJV) - And the disciples were filled with joy, and with the Holy Ghost.

Philippians 1:3-4 (KJV) -I thank my God upon every remembrance of you, Always in every prayer of mine for you all making request with joy.

Do you see it?  Can you feel it?  As the song says,

I've got the joy, joy, joy, joy down in my heart
Where?
Down in my heart!
Where?
Down in my heart!
I've got the joy, joy, joy, joy down in my heart
Down in my heart to stay

The joy has been there all along. I just forget to look for it from time to time. Now that I’ve got it right here in front of me, it’s up to me to remember it on a daily basis. It’s up to me to pull that joy out and fight back with it even on the days I’m experiencing the high winds and hail. I hope when you’re experiencing the high winds and hail that you too, can find the joy!

Cheering you on,
Laurel

There’s No Such Thing as the Typical Coach’s Wife

Over the years I’ve heard more than one coach’s wife say “I’m not the typical coach’s wife.”It breaks my heart when I hear that.  I feel like they are comparing themselves to this imaginary image and that it's stealing their joy. After meeting so many wives over the years, I’ve come to the conclusion that there’s really no such thing as a typical coach's wife. There’s no need for comparison to other wives and especially when it’s it so a perception that seems to be floating out there that all coach’s wives teach school and that we all love sports. I’m here to tell you that’s not true on either case.

Perception #1 - All coach’s wives teach school.

Now a lot of wives do teach and I truly admire those coach’s wives. They have a set of skills and patience that I’ll never have. They are heroes in our schools and get to engage with the athletes in ways that those of us who don’t teach won’t ever experience.

However, I’ve been the wife of a coach for nineteen years now and I’ve never been on a staff where even the majority of the wives teach school. I’ve seen stay at home moms, accountants, bankers, nurses, for profit jobs, nonprofit jobs and everything in between. There’s no one career mold that fits all.

I don’t teach. I’m in the nonprofit world. My coach is supportive of my career and knows that I’m exactly where the Lord has called me to be. Yeah, I don’t get summers, spring break, fall break, etc., but I’m in a job that I love and am excited to go to work every day. 

Perception #2 – All coach’s wives love sports.

Yes, it’s probably easier to be the wife of a coach if you do love sports, but you don’t have to. Some people just don’t enjoy sports. I get that. If you don’t love/like sports, I encourage you to find other ways to get involved in your husband’s career choice. Maybe it’s writing notes to his players or having them over for dinner. I haven’t loved every sport he has coached over the years and some I’ve even found quite boring so I try to find other ways to be involved rather than just watching. I find a job that needs to be done. I’ve kept the book. I’ve worked the concession stand. I’ve passed out the medals. Through all of these I’ve learned to appreciate the sport a little more and my coach sees that I want to support him in what he does.

When my coach and I married, I enjoyed football but I really didn’t have a clue what was going on during the game. He gave me “Football for Dummies” and I read it and asked questions. My thought process was that if football was going to be a part of my life, I should learn something about so I could at least be a part of his conversations. I work for Susan G. Komen and tease him that he needs to know as much about breast cancer as I know about football. That’s what works for us. Find what works for you.

Coach’s wives come in all forms, all careers and all levels of love or dislike of sports. The beauty of it is, you and your coach found each other and there’s something there that’s special. Focus on each other and support each other. Remember there’s no such thing as being typical so quit trying to compare yourself to a perception. Don't let a perception steal your joy! Where would the fun be if we were all alike?

Cheering you on!
Laurel

But it IS Personal

If you’ve ever read any of my blogs I hope that you know that I try to be thoughtful about what I write. I never want to come across as knowing everything or hurting anyone’s feelings as I write. I’m not the overall expert in being the wife of a coach but I have tried to learn from my mistakes over the years and I try to be intentional in my writings. Some things I mull over in my mind and write and rewrite for months.  This is one of those blogs. Please know that it comes from my heart and it not intended to hurt feelings or friendships. It’s about a phrase that is used in passing and I’m sure if anyone that uses it stopped to think about the hurt that it brings they would stop saying it. Ok – so here it goes.

I’ve heard the phrase several times over our years of coaching and each time I hear it I want to come unglued.  The phrase usually comes after a parent as expressed frustration about the coaching staff and in some cases even called for the staff to be let go. The phrase – “It’s nothing personal.” After hearing it, I bite my tongue, count to ten and just nod. 

Here’s what I’d really like to say:

Don’t you get it?  That coaching staff that you just criticized and are calling to be replaced spends more time with your child and up at the field house than they do with their own friends and family. Even when my coach is home, he’s on the computer working game plans, watching film, checking grades, responding to your emails, on the phone with other coaches, on the phone with parents, responding to texts from students and athletes, the list is endless. When we are out to dinner it’s the same. He’s responding to urgent emails and taking calls. If we run into you while out in the community, he stops and talks and listens to your questions, concerns, comments, critiques.

It’s personal. It’s very personal. My coach wants what’s best for your child.  He wants him to succeed on and off the field. He wants him to grow physically, spiritually and academically. My coach is all in when it comes to your child – so it IS personal. If you’ve spent any time with us at all you know that we think of your children as our own.  They are a part of our family. They are on our Christmas cards. They eat dinner at our house. It IS personal.

My coach invests in your child on and off the field. Whether you child starts, sits the bench or somewhere in between, he’s invested in his well being. You aren’t there at school and at every practice. You don’t see the one on one conversations that are taking place. You are probably not aware of the text conversations. My coach is listening to the thoughts and frustrations of your child. He’s investing in him and showing them that sports teaches more than just playing time and success.  Sports is like life, sometimes it doesn’t go according to plan. There is always someone smarter, faster and stronger. Your attitude does determine your altitude.  Your work ethic says a lot about your character.  My coach is trying to teach life lessons that will make him a better man. Sports is just a blip on the radar of your life, but the man that you become lasts a lifetime. Set your goals and hearts on eternal things not just that playing field.

My coach has invested twenty years in coaching. He’s all in. To invest that long proves that it IS personal. Please don’t insult him by saying it’s not.

That’s what I’d like to say, but I don’t. I’ve learned over the years, it’s not my place and that it would probably do more harm than good. So, I write and rewrite it in my mind for months. It’s how I process. Now I’m finally putting it out there on my blog for the world to see. I hope that you as you read these words you see the heart that it behind them.  It is personal for me and my coach and we are all in for your child.

Cheering you on!
Laurel