Find Your Own Huddle

I learned early on that the majority of my friends couldn't relate to what it’s like to be the wife of a coach.  Unless you live it, it’s difficult to relate to the hours, the stress, and the having to talk football to everyone you meet. I have several friends that have commented on more than one occasion that they just don’t understand it and don’t get how I do it all of the time. I tell them, it’s simple. I love being the wife of a coach!

Only other coaches’ wives truly get it.  It’s important to have friends that you can talk with, laugh with, cry with and who just get you and get your life.  Wives that understand the hours, the late night phone calls about or from a player. Someone who can relate to the text messages received during church or the conversations in the grocery store. That’s why it’s important to huddle up with other wives who are living the life that you are living.

Laura Bush said it best when she said, “It is hard sometimes for women especially to steal time for friends. The demands on us from families, from jobs, from every other commitment are so strong and unrelenting. But friendship is what nurtures us.”

A few years ago the wife of our head coach and I were talking and we decided that the best way to support the wives on our staff and to nurture them and ourselves was to start a bible study. We both knew that we needed our own huddle. We needed to be present with a group of women face to face that we could be transparent with and have a safe place to open up about what was going on in our lives.

I spoke to the pastor of one of our local churches and arranged to meet at the church where he provided us childcare. This allowed us to have uninterrupted time together while our coaches were still at the field house.  The mother of a former player became our bible study leader or as we referred to Amy, our Coaches Wives Angel.  We thought it was important to have someone that could keep us on track with the lesson and someone that was no longer apart of the athletic program. 

We began to meet weekly on Monday nights.  The kids looked forward to playing together and the wives looked forward to quiet time with each other.  Our first study was the book of James.  We learned in James 5:16 to be transparent with each other and to pray for one another. Another study we did was on friendship. We learned how to encourage and support each other based on our favorite things. That some yearned for the gift of service and others loved to have a hand written note of support. Others were comforted through Dove Dark Chocolate.

Through the two years we were together we rejoiced together, mourned together, shared frustrations and hurts.  We went through struggles and major life changing decisions and we saw each other come out stronger on the other side. Some nights may have been more of a support group than actual bible study but that’s important too. As a staff we bonded in the Word and with each other.  I had prayed for years to find some friends that I could do life with and who understood me.  The Lord gave me the answer to my prayers through these women. I found my huddle.  We truly love each other.

Although our staff has changed quite a bit of the past couple of years, the bonds we made while in bible study are still holding us together.  The majority of those that were in that study have moved on to other schools or other coaching positions but our friendship remains.  We still talk and text and those of us that can, still get together on a regular basis. We are still there for each other through the good and the bad and these ladies are still my first call when I need a friend. Studies say that you become the average of the 5 people you are closest with. I’m honored to be a part of a group of ladies that all place Christ first in their life and all want the best for each other and bring out the best in each other.

I encourage you to find your huddle.  Don’t just stand on the sideline and wait for it to happen. Take that leap and ask others to join you in bible study. Talk to members in your community if childcare or a meeting place is a challenge. If you want it, God will help to open the doors to make it happen.  Just huddle up!

Cheering you on,

Laurel

I Need a Date!

When we got married we received seven picnic baskets as wedding presents.  All came with the well intentioned but oblivious comment of “We thought you could enjoy a picnic with each other before the game.”  Most of those picnic baskets are currently arranged in the corner of my kitchen and hold a variety of items including my tools.  Never once in fifteen years has one actually been used for a picnic.

Unless you live it, you don’t get it.  I didn't have to watch the show Friday Night Lights. I live it. Football is 24 hours a day 7 days a week for the majority of the year.  It’s not just Friday nights and it’s not just between kickoff and when the clock runs out. My coach is gone from the house before the sun comes up and he’s home long after it’s gone down.  Every season there are days that we don’t actually see each other.  If I didn't get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom I wouldn't have even seen his body in the bed.

In the past my job has had me traveling on the weekends.  I could attend the game on Friday night and then fly out Saturday morning and then return Sunday night. The joke at our house was that I could be gone and back before my coach even noticed that I wasn't at home.  He said he noticed but he did have to call one time and ask where exactly I was in the world. 

There used to be a respite at home, but now that he can watch game film on his iPad and even his iPhone he may be home, but he’s still working.  There are times that it seems that even when my coach is present in body at home, he’s absent in mind. Then there are the endless texts and tweets from players and other coaches. It seems as if he’s never truly away from work anymore.  

Now please don’t get me wrong. I’m not complaining. I’m merely laying out the facts.  I knew what I was getting into when we got married.  I saw the hours that he kept and I still signed up for the part of being the wife of a coach. I love being the wife of coach and wouldn't trade it for the world.  What I am saying though is – I need a date. I need some one on one uninterrupted time with my coach.

The regular season is more than half way over.  The possibility of playoffs is on the horizon.  The goal at our house, as with most coaches’ families, is to be playing for the state championship on December 21. So with all that in mind, I need a date.  

I just want a date where the two of us sit can just enjoy each other for a few hours.  With the pressures of the season and all the craziness that is life, we need to take a moment to stop and unplug from everything around us. We need to sit and talk and laugh and just decompress a little from the stress that is football season. We need to take a moment to refocus our priorities and get set to finish the season.

 As much as I would like to think that my coach can read my mind and instinctively know my every want and need, he can’t and he doesn’t.  To avoid self-inflicted frustration on my part, I have to straight up tell him what’s going on in my head.  He’s busy game planning for next week’s opponent. He doesn’t have time to stop and wonder what’s going on in my head. With his schedule, he doesn’t have time to stop and wonder what’s going on inside his own head.  I’m the one that has decided that I need a date, so I’ve taken matters into my own hands.  I called and asked my coach if we could have a real honest to goodness date.  I told him that I want a date that involves no iPads, no iPhones, no texting, no tweeting kind of date.  (Of course with the exception of his head coach.  I’m not unrealistic enough to think that he can just ignore his boss for the evening. )

My coach agreed that it was time for a real date and he even agreed to the no technology request.  I did concede to let him respond to any text or call from his head coach – but only his head coach.  He gets the importance of stopping and getting off the crazy train that is life for a few hours and just spending time one on one with me.  He needs to take a break from coach mode and just be a husband who is in the moment with me. 

Our date tonight doesn’t have to be at some really nice or expensive restaurant. I prefer though that it not be at the Quick Trip as my coach is always threatening.  It doesn’t have to be some super romantic getaway or full of elaborate details.  It doesn’t need to involve days of planning or a major budget. It can be as simple as going out to eat. All that’s important on our date is that we are together, enjoying each other’s company and stopping to refocus on each other as we head to finish the season strong.

It’s the morning of our date and I’m still not sure what the plans are for the evening. What I can tell you is that I’m excited for some on one time with my coach and I know he’s excited too. If you’re like me and in desperate need of date, I encourage you to call your coach and ask him out and see what happens.  

I’m off to plan our date now. 

Cheering you on,
Laurel

Losing Jacob

Throughout the past couple of months I've opened up the door to my life and shared some deep parts of my heart with you.  Today’s post is one that I've been working on for weeks because I cry every time I begin writing and because I want to make sure I get it just right. By now you know that I consider our players to be our children. Well, today I’m writing about the loss of one of my children.

October 14 will mark the one year anniversary of losing Jacob.  It was his senior year and he had been playing on the varsity level since he was a freshman.  Along with the other safeties he ate dinner at my house. Sat on my couch and laughed and talked with us. You’ll see him on our Christmas cards and in every picture we ever took together, he was always standing right next to me. Coaches and players love each other, but Jacob and my coach had a bond and a love that was deeper than most.  There was something very special there.

The thing about Jacob was that everyone seemed to have a special bond with him.  He had an infectious smile and could make everyone laugh. Everyone seemed drawn to him. He had a quite spirit and he put everyone at ease. It’s amazing how many people considered him their best friend. It’s difficult to be a good friend to so many but Jacob was capable of just that.  If you were in a room with him, you knew you had his undivided attention and that he genuinely cared for you.  He may have been 17 in earthly years  and still a goofy teenage boy in many ways, but he had a much older spirit and was wise beyond his years when it came to his faith. 

Jacob was bolder in his faith than most teenagers I've known.  Everyone knew exactly where he stood.  He was a believer and was saved by the grace of our Lord Jesus.  He let everyone know it.  The week before the accident he was sitting on my couch and we were discussing how much we loved the church we both attended.  He was always quick to share his faith with those he met. He wanted to make sure everyone knew that Christ had died for them and that there was eternal life for those who believed.

Jacob and several other boys from our football team were celebrating a great win and the birthday of one of the boys at the lake that Sunday afternoon.  Several of them had been jumping off a cliff into the lake and Jacob and Gavin decided they wanted to jump. The other boys yelled at them to come back for life jackets. But the two boys ignored them. Jacob told Gavin as they climbed the 60-foot cliff, “If God wants to take me, he’ll take me.” As they jumped neither of them had any idea what was to come or how true that statement would turn out to be. The boys say that Jacob surfaced for just a moment and then went back under.  One of the boys quickly dialed 911 as a couple of others jumped in to look for him. 

I’ll always remember that Sunday afternoon and what I was doing when the phone rang.  My coach called and knew immediately that something was terribly wrong.  He rarely calls while he’s at the field house and when he does, I know he needs something or that there's a problem.  His voice was shaking and he said, “There’s been an accident with some of the boys.  Laurel, it’s Jacob.” His voice cracked and my heart seemed to just stop.  I was paralyzed and didn't know what to do so I began praying.  After a while I asked my neighbor to drive me up to the field house.  I found the coaches praying while the head coach and a couple of the parents headed to the lake.

Word was spreading fast throughout the town and we were seeing that the kids all wanted to be together to pray and to hope for Jacob’s recovery.  We called every youth minister in town and word began to spread to meet at the football field.  We looked up and they began to come. Two, three, four at a time and then there were hundreds of teenagers, parents, ministers, coaches and wives standing on the field.  We were crying, praying, holding each other and trying to explain why bad things happen to those we love. It’s one of the hardest things I've ever done.  I was trying to hold it together for those kids while my heart was broken inside.  I had just lost one of my children and they had lost a friend.

Most of that week is a blur.  While we were waiting for the recovery crews to find Jacob our school experienced another loss. Another student who was also a senior at the school took his own life.  Our kids and community were rocked.  We were already walking through tough territory and now our grief was taken to another level. There were lots of conversations that week about why God allows things to happen and why so many hard things seem to happen at once.  Our coaches, coaches’ wives, teachers, and ministers were able to share our faith with quite a few of the kids that week.  Many are believers and we walked with them as their faith grew stronger and deeper during this dark time.

Friday was coming and they still hadn't found Jacob.  We were praying that they would find him before the game so that the team could refocus.  To many of you that might sound trite, but Jacob would have wanted it that way.  He was one of the team captains and always wanted his team to focus.  Because he was always so quick to share his faith we all knew that he was now in Heaven praising his Lord and Savior. So knowing that, he would have wanted the team to take the field and honor the captain and his faith by playing to the best of their ability.

Jacob was recovered at 9:21 pm or, in military time, 21:21 on Thursday night. What’s special about that is Jacob wore number 21. Now the team could play knowing that their captain and brother had been found.  

Entering the stadium that night you could feel something in the air and we knew it would be a night that we would remember for the rest of our lives.  The opposing team and their fans were such gracious hosts and reached out to us in many ways.  Fans stopped and prayed for us and with us. They hung signs of support and gave us hugs after the game. It was an honor to be a part of TX High School Football that night.

Now came the hardest part. It was time to say goodbye to Jacob.  On Monday afternoon we entered our church where we worshiped every Sunday and where Jacob and his family worshiped. Over two thousand people came to say goodbye and to honor and celebrate Jacob. It was a celebration. We celebrated his life and his faith and we knew it was okay to say goodbye because he was standing in Heaven praising his Savior.  There were more moments of laughter than there were tears and there were even more moments when we just stood and praised our Lord.  That’s exactly how Jacob would have wanted it.

We love him and miss him and there’s still not a day that goes by that I don’t think about him and his goofy smile.  As the wife of a coach it’s one of the hardest journeys but strangely I wouldn't trade it for the world.  I was reminded of many lessons along the way. I was reminded to be bold in my faith. I was reminded that as a believer we can make it through even the toughest of times because the Lord is carrying us through the pain. I was also reminded that because my coach and I have such a deep relationship with our kids we know where they stand spiritually and they know exactly where we stand and that makes a huge difference.

“Jobs, sports, and people will fail you. God will not. He is a righteous savior that has not, and will never fail you.”  Tweeted by Jacob on September 23, 2012.

Cheering you on,
Laurel

Strive to be Mrs. 31 not Wonder Woman

Proverbs 31 is one of my favorite passages in scripture.  It’s about a woman and this woman can do it all.  She cooks, she cleans, she sews, she works, she shops, she provides for her family, she has help doing it all and her husband praises her for it all. Just seeing that list makes me exhausted.  There are 22 verses dedicated to what she does for her family.  There are only 24 hours in the day so how on earth does this woman get it all done?  In today’s society I think many of us would refer to her not so much as Mrs. 31 but as Wonder Woman.

Mrs. 31 is a very busy lady and there always seems to be time in her day to make it all happen. We see her as Wonder Woman feel that if we don’t aim for perfection and execute it perfectly then we are failures.  That’s simply not the case.  I remember the night that I learned that Mrs. 31 wasn't an actual woman and that she is just the ideal of what we want to strive to become. I was sitting in a woman’s bible study at my church and you could literally hear the sighs of relief from every woman in the room.  I think just about every woman had walked in the room that night thinking they were going to hear how they were failing in life because they weren't the perfect woman and living up to the expectations of being Wonder Woman in their homes.   We all had been using those verses as a checklist of items to complete to be the ultimate woman (our version of Wonder Woman) rather than seeing the whole picture and who Mrs. 31 actually was and is. 

Commentaries will tell you that she is the dream wife and difficult to find, but not impossible. What it all boils down to is that Mrs. 31 was a woman of wisdom and that all that is mentioned in verses 10-31 is how she applied that wisdom.  I can’t become Wonder Woman. I’m simply not wired like that and I don’t know many women who actually are.  I do know that I can pray for and learn to apply wisdom in my day to day life.

I think as the wife of a coach and especially during the season there’s a lot about the Proverbs 31 woman that I can apply to my own life. I love verse 11 where “her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value.” Those are my marching orders for the season.  My husband is off and engaged in the battle of football season and I’m home to man the fort. I can strive to be like Mrs. 31 and take care of all of the day to day details of the home and family.  I try to make a plan and work the plan.  I love lists so I have my daily list of chores and errands that I can fit around my job and the football schedule.  I attempt to meal plan for the week and head to the grocery store on Sunday afternoon or Saturday morning.  There’s the endless basket of laundry that has to be done. The list goes on and one and I’m sure yours does as well.

Each season comes with the demands of the day to day activities that I must deal with by myself while my coach is focused elsewhere and those are fine and come with the territory. I don’t know why, but it seems as if every season there is one major disaster at our house.  This is when I wonder how exactly my house and car know it’s football season. The garage door fell off its tracks as I was backing out of the drive way to the game. The water heater has needed replacing. The air conditioning system for the house completely died.  The washer and dryer died within days of each other. The one time I parked my car in the driveway for the night a tree fell on it. You name it, I've dealt with it.  I call and give my coach a heads up that the budget is about to take a hit but I assure him I've gotten several bids and found the best solution for the issue.  It needed to be dealt with and I dealt. For that moment in time, I am Mrs. 31. My awesome coach, just like Mr. 31 in Proverbs praises me for dealing with it and we move on to the next issue at hand.

My coach knows how much I love Mrs. 31.  Verses 13, 14 and 16 are where she shops.  I LOVE shopping.  I often tease him that shopping is my spiritual gift.  He quickly reminds me that spiritual gifts are in the New Testament and that this is just one of Mrs. 31’s many qualities. Verses 17 and 18 are where she works for a living.  I enjoy going to work.  Verse 15 is where my coach and I will both tell you I fail miserably.  “She gets up while it is still night.” Anyone who knows me well will tell you that’s a big one for me to overcome. I’m not a morning person. Never have been and most likely never will be.  I also don’t sew and I don’t do math.  Therefore I don’t watch the affairs of the household as they are mentioned in verse 27.

Now I’m not letting myself off the hook completely on those things where I fall short and I’m not just giving up.  I think it’s important to strive to do all of these things for my family and there are some definite qualities and virtues that I need to do some major work on in my life. I want to be Mrs. 31 and become the woman that my husband praises and that my children (football boys included) call blessed. But what I know now is that I’m striving to be a woman of wisdom and not just Wonder Woman. It’s about character and not just a checklist.

I want to be as many of these qualities and virtues that I can possibly be, but now I know that if the laundry doesn't get folded and put away, it’s okay.  If I have to drive through to pick up dinner, life isn't going to come to a complete halt. Life happens and unplanned things get in the way.  Something comes up a work, a household item breaks and the day and plans get derailed.  I need to remember to do what I can and then strive for the rest but that doesn't mean striving to the point of exhaustion and sending my blood pressure through the roof.  The key is stop. Take a deep breath.  Take a moment to apply a little wisdom to the situation and then work the new plan that may or may not include cooking, cleaning, sewing, shopping, and working.  Take one step at a time and remember tomorrow is another day and a new chance to be Mrs. 31.

Cheering you on,

Laurel