Four Words

 

I never knew that four words could make such a difference in our marriage but they do.  My coach and I have been married for almost 24 years and I truly believe that four words have made a very impactful difference on our lives. We first heard those words when we were going through premarital counseling. 

I had known Mr. and Mrs. Shaw pretty much my entire life. They had four children and in age I was in between the first and second in age. I loved the Shaw family and was excited that when we signed up for premarital counselling at our church that our mentor couple was the Shaws.

In one of our sessions they mentioned four words that saved them from many heated conversations or actual fights. Those four words were JUST LISTEN. DON’T FIX.  Wow!  When I heard those words I had no idea what an impact they would have on our relationship. 

Think about it from his perspective. As a coach they are ALWAYS in fix mode. Problem with an athlete. They fix it. Problem with a parent. They fix it. Problem with administration or a teacher. They step in and help to fix it. Game plan not going according to game plan. They immediately try to fix it. They adjust. They look at the big picture. They try to fix it.

Why would it be any different when they walk through the door at home?  They see a problem. They hear a problem. They try to fix it. It’s in their DNA as men. It’s in their DNA as a coach. They want to fix it! Problem is, sometimes we as the wife of the coach don’t want them to fix it. We just want to vent. We need someone that is not our child, not our co-worker, not our mom to just hear us. We need to vent. We need to word vomit. We need to get it out in the open. BUT, when they hear us, they are in husband mode. They are in coach mode. They want to fix it!

So how do we let it all out and not be frustrated when they go into coach mode and try to game plan or fix it?  We need to stop and say JUST LISTEN. DON’T FIX.  Once we say those magic words that’s their queue to stop and process and say NOTHING. 

I’m not gonna sugar coat this or lie.  I know there are a million thoughts running through my coach’s mind with ways that he would solve my problem or fix my issue, but those four words make him stop from spouting out all of his ideas and solutions. If I say the magic four words he gets the cue to stop and just listen.  It’s when I forget to say the four words that all sorts of frustrations set it. Working for Susan G. Komen Breast Cancer Foundation, I live in the world of estrogen and breast cancer. He lives in the world of athletics. I don’t need his thoughts or game planning of how to fix my world. I  just need a non-biased ear to hear me and allow me to let all my frustrations out. Four magic words make all the difference.

So, if you find yourself in a spot where you just need to say everything that’s racing through your head or even when you have a day when just need a break from all that is your reality, make sure when your coach walks in the door, before you just word vomit or unleash all that you’ve been holding in, STOP. Talk a moment, and they say hey, “Just listen. Don’t Fix.”  You’ll both feel better at the end of the conversation.  Granted, he may still want to fix, BUT he won’t say it out loud, and you’ll both be better for it.

Cheering YOU on!

Laurel

2020 The Year That Just Keeps Giving

 

I’m pretty confident that I can say that 2020 was not the year that any of us expected that it would be. As each new year dawns everyone has high expectations that the new year will be amazing. The new year will bring new opportunities. The new year will be better than the last. January and February were okay but then March hit and it seems it was just downhill from there for everyone. It was the 2020 version of Dante’s Inferno or for those not familiar with that, the new levels of Jumanji. Each month brought a new level that we could have never imagined.

As the wife of a track coach, we were just hitting our groove in track season and the BLAM! COVID hit and our season was over. We were on pace to hopefully win our district four years in a row which would have been an AMAZING accomplishment. We thought we had several kids that were on pace to make it to state. My husband and awesome coach was supposed to be honored at the state track meet as the state track coach of the year. All gone thanks to COVID.  I watched my coach try to teach virtually and even try to coach football on a laptop in our backyard while trying to engage with his players and teach fundamentals and execute techniques via Zoom. I’m sure the inventors of Zoom never imagined it would be used for football practice.

As employee for a large nonprofit we were excited about what the year had an in store for us and were looking forward to phenomenal opportunities and then BLAM! COVID hit. Our world was turned upside down and we were in for a major reorganization along with two rounds of layoffs and changes in pay and benefits. Coworkers that I had been a part of my work and personal life for many years were affected by the changes and that was just the Spring.

Summer came with major issues of entirely new level that in and of itself were enough for any one year all its own. Yet we couldn’t concentrate on just those issues, we still had to deal with COVID and how was affecting our everyday life.

Then Fall came with an entire new set of challenges. School was virtual and school was in person. We all questioned if football season was going to happen and if it did, what would it look like. I just kept praying that we could have some form of normalcy during 2020 and that we could have a football season. In Texas the smaller schools were allowed to kick off their season in August. For the larger schools our schedule was delayed but at least it was going to happen. Each night I would again pray that we could have a season and that our coaches and our boys could navigate this crazy time and get to play a regular season. Each week we held our breath to see if the other team could play or would we have to miss a week. Our coaches became experts in contact tracing, including who sat where at lunch and in class, who went up against who in practice and even who rode to school together. Trying to keep everyone safe and healthy.

 I was used to coaches calling coaches on the way home from school to discuss practice and the day to day activities. I was used to coaches calling coaches during dinner to discuss practice schedules, grades, etc. but now there was a new factor. Who sat next to who during lunch? How far away was player X from student Y in the classroom? There was a whole new level of anxiety in air.

I just kept counting down the games and the weeks. I just kept counting down the work meetings and the changes in the organization. I just kept thinking if we can only make it to Christmas break then we are home free and can run away for a week and escape all of this for a week and just have a break from reality. This year our break from reality wasn’t meant to be. 2020 reared its ugly head again and the decision was made to stay home and not escape reality, at least for right now. For right now, we are home. Celebrating the fact that we actually got to have a season. Celebrating the fact that we made it playoffs and that our boys that we didn’t think would even get a season got an extra week to play. Celebrating the fact that we both still have jobs. Celebrating that our family and friends are near and that we are blessed to have another Christmas with them on this earth. We may not be able to gather in person, but the fact that we are all still on this earth together is a blessing.

2021 will bring new opportunities and most likely a new set of anxieties and new questions about athletic seasons continuing or happening at all and all of the stresses of work but, there is one thing for certain. We serve and awesome and mighty Lord who has great things in store for us all.  I Peter 5:7 reminds us to “cast all your anxiety on Him because he cares for you.”  So here I stand at the end of 2020 constantly casting my anxieties to Him knowing that He cares for me and He cares for you. Whatever is there with us in 2021 or before us, our Lord will see us through.

Wishing you all a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

Cheering you all on!
Laurel

Let’s Laugh and Let’s Do This!

 

Last August my coach and I were interviewed for a podcast. During the interview I was asked what my favorite Bible verse was. I have several that I love, but the one that came to mind was Proverbs 31: 25 “She is clothed with strength and dignity and she laughs without fear of the future.” I explained that as the wife of a coach I thought it was a great life verse because no matter what happens during the season whether, it’s good, bad or ugly, I can smile and know that God is in control and I don’t have to worry about the future because He already knows the future. I also teased that I love that verse because it talks about how the Proverbs 31 women is clothed and I love clothes and I also love to laugh. Reflecting back on that podcast makes me smile. I rattled off the verse and believed everything I said about it. What I didn’t know was that just a few months later I would be quoting that verse and claiming it daily thanks to events of 2020 and COVID-19.  

Now it’s a year after that podcast and I’m claiming my life verse in a new way. This time of year, we are used to settling into a routine of long hours, a million items on the calendar along with the excitement of what the season is going to bring. This year is different. It’s so different. It’s different in every way possible. At our house by now we would have had family photos, media day, a get together with all of the coaches’ families. Season tickets would have been passed out. Field turf pellets would be all over the floors of the house. I’d know who our position players would be.  The list goes on and on of what should be at this point in August, but it’s 2020 and nothing is the same.

It’s August 2020 and the routine that we have had for 22 years is suddenly different. It’s August and we don’t even know if we are getting to have football practice when school starts next week. It’s August and we don’t even know if we are going to get to have a football season. It’s August and we don’t know all the new rules and procedures for school or for athletics. It’s August and we just don’t know.

Not knowing is hard. Not knowing is frustrating. We are used to having a routine. We are used to having a game plan.

We do know some things though and those things are comforting. We do know that our athletes still need us both on and off the field and that we can play an integral part in helping them as we all figure this out. We do know that we want what’s best for our students and athletes. We do know that we are all in this together. We do know that there are coaches’ wives across the nation praying for each other as we walk through these uncharted times together. We do know that during this time our best ability is going to be flexibility because every day things are going to change.

But most importantly thanks to Proverbs 31:25 we know that we are clothed in strength and dignity and that we can laugh without fear of the future. We can claim that because we know who holds the future! Our awesome God holds the future and He holds us. 

So, ladies let’s laugh and let’s do this! We’ve got this because He’s got us!

Cheering you on,
Laurel

To the Class of 2020

This is not the year we dreamed for you.

we dreamed of you getting to compete.

we dreamed of walking with you through victories and defeats.

we dreamed of getting to spend saturdays at the track with you.

we dreamed of watching you run, jump and throw.

we dreamed of watching you reach for your dreams and goals.

we dreamed of getting to celebrate you.

we dreamed of getting to say a proper goodbye.

this year none of those things were able to happen.

however, there are some things that will never change.

you are and always will be a coppell cowboy.

you will always have a place at our dinner table.

we will always just be a phone call or text away.

you will always be loved and always be supported by us.

you will always be considered family.

our door and our hearts will always be open to you.

we will miss you.

Coach Pointer and mama p.

It’s Not Always 50/50

A few weeks ago, one of our younger coaches was getting married. While at lunch he took the opportunity to ask several of the coach’s wives about our best marital advice. Several wives gave their thoughts. When it came time for one wife to speak she said something profound that had been told to her once.  Marriage is not always 50/50. Our young coach looked at her with eyes wide open and said can you explain that a little more, so we did.

When you go into marriage you’re in love and you think everything is going to be wonderful. We are going to share everything. We will share the chores. We will share the cooking and the cleaning. We are so in sync right now and always will be. Then after the wedding the real world sets in and it’s not as perfect as you dreamed. You’re not sharing everything 50/50. And that’s ok.

I think the wives of coaches might learn this faster than anyone else learns this. Marriage is not always 50/50. Sometimes it’s 60/40 or 75/25 and yes there are times that it’s 99/1 and again that’s ok.  When your coach is in season and dealing with all that goes on at school, in they gym or on the field it’s a challenge for him to hit that 50/50 mark at home. Your percentage starts to grow as you deal with all that’s going on in your job, with the kids and at home. We all know that if something major is going to break like the car, the air conditioner, the water heater, etc., it’s going to break while he is in season and it’s going to be our job to deal with it on top of everything else that you are dealing with already. You may feel that he’s at 1% and you’re at 99%.  This is part of marriage. It’s not as if you are or your coach are choosing to only be 20% or 50% or any specific percentage. The percentage that you or he has to give to your relationship may be dictated by what’s going on with your job, with your children or with your family.

In our house as his season begins to wind down, my busy time at work starts to pick up. Here’s where are scale starts to slide in his direction and begins to even out bit more. As his hours at the field house get shorter my days at work get longer. My job recently shifted a bit and while he’s in the midst of regionals and state for track and beginning spring football, I’m also in a busy time. Neither one of us are hitting our mark of 50%.

By now you’re probably reading this and thinking no, it’s not ok, but hear me out. It’s ok because we work together to make it ok. My coach and I make it a point that in the midst of all our craziness we do stop and take a time out with other to connect and talk. We share what’s going on at work and at home. We share with each other that one of us is frustrated and that our scale is starting to get a bit out of balance. We listen to what the other one has to say and then find ways TOGETHER that we can reset the scale.  Did you see that word in the last sentence? TOGETHER. That’s the key ingredient. You have to work together to reset the scale. This may mean locking yourselves in your bedroom away from other distractions or taking a walk around the block but do whatever you need to do to have that conversation to reset. Don’t let your frustrations build to point that’s there’s no going back. Long before that happens take a moment to reset and refocus.

Refocus on the important things in your life. Refocus on your spiritual life. Are one or both of you out of balance with your relationship with God? If so, make that a point to rebalance that relationship first and you’ll be amazed at how fast other things start to balance themselves. Refocus on why you fell in love with your spouse. Concentrate on those attributes. Talk with each other. Pray with each other. Pray for each other. Focus on the good. When the scale is out of balance are you saying things that will build your spouse up or are you saying things that will tear them down?  What are you doing to help reset that scale? Marriage isn’t always easy and it’s certainly not always 50-50 but it can be one of the best blessings of your life.

Cheering you on!
Laurel

Extra Grace Required

Now that we are deep into football season and everyone has hit district play the stakes are higher and the stress levels are climbing daily. Several coaches’ wives across the state have reached out to me directly and I’ve seen them post in groups for coaches’ wives about how to deal with fans and their reactions to a bad play or a losing season. Let’s first establish that there is no easy way and it’s a skill and art form that you have to learn on your own.  We’ve been doing this coaching thing for 21 years now so I’ve learned a thing or two over the years. So please take it from me when I say, turning around to the fan and saying “Well, if your son would run the play my husband called” is not in your best interest.  That’s when I learned to bite my tongue.

A few years ago, we had a head coach that had the mantra of Extra Grace Required or EGR for short. This phrase has stayed with me and over the years has grown to be a part of my everyday vocabulary both at work and in stands on Friday nights.

As I began thinking about this blog, I asked a few pastor friends of mine for their definition of grace. David said, “I usually refer to grace as receiving the good you don't deserve (as opposed to mercy where you don't get what you do deserve).”  Alan expanded on David’s definition and said “We often substitute mercy for grace. In my ministry context being nonjudgmental is a must. Since I have no judgement to give, allowing people however messed up their lives may be to "come as they are" feels more like the grace I want to give because it's been extended to me.”

So now you’re probably thinking ok, that’s nice but what does it have to do with that angry fan in the stands? Well, here’s what I think. My coach and I approach his job as a ministry. He’s ministering to those young men on and off the field. I have the opportunity to minister to those fans in the stands. Many know who I am and the majority of the crowd knows that I’m sitting with the other coaches’ wives and our families. I’ve actually seen some turn our way when something goes wrong on the field. They are seeing how I react. When someone is yelling something hateful about the coaches, others turn to watch my reaction and the reaction of the other wives. Here’s where EGR comes in.  Rather than engaging and responding back like I once made the mistake of doing, now I take a deep breath and just whisper EGR.  I have to stop and think judgement is not mine to give. I need to extend grace to this fan. I have no idea where he’s coming from. I have no idea what battle he is personally fighting. What I do know is that my actions toward him speak volumes. What I choose not to say says more than any words spoken.

Proverbs 21:23 (NIV) says “Those who guard their mouths and their tongues keep themselves from calamity.”  Y’all trust me, I’ve seen calamity and it’s not pretty.  Learn from my mistakes. I know for some this is easier said than done. I have one friend that started taking her lawn chair and sitting in the end zone so that she was removed from the situation rather than biting her tongue off in the stands. Another wife was able to move to the back row and in the corner so that she didn’t have to be surrounded by the fans. If that’s not possible surround yourself with other wives or friends that you can help each other if the situation arises. One night I was so frustrated and ready to say something but before I could my sweet friend quietly said to me “Maybe you need to read your own blog.” I took a deep breath and giggled since I’ve written on this topic before. Find what works for you and do it and just whisper EGR.

Cheering you on,
Laurel

Blessed are they that Mourn

I remember it like it was yesterday. I don’t always remember the actual date but somehow my heart does. I get weepy. I get sad. Then I look at the calendar and think well now it all makes sense. It’s the day we lost Jacob. The day our world changed. That day was five years ago today. As with all tragedy it’s hard to see God working in the moment but when you look back you can see His hand in every step.

It was a Sunday afternoon I had been working on the details of a gala that I was coordinating at our church for our pastor’s 25^th Anniversary. I had the windows open. There was a cool breeze in the air. I was standing in the kitchen looking at cake stands for the dinner and the phone rang. It was my coach and I could hear in his voice that something was wrong. He said several of the boys were up at the lake and they had been diving. “There’s been an accident. Laurel – it’s Jacob.” My heart sank. Tears filled my eyes. I love all of our players and never want anything to happen to any of them but this one hit really hard. You see, Jacob was one of ours. He played safety. He had been sitting on my couch just last week. His picture was on our mantle. Jacob was special. He had become family.

Too shaken to drive I asked one of our neighbors to drive me up to the field house. This is the first time I saw God move. My neighbors were also Christians. Chris prayed the entire nine-minute drive to the school.He prayed for Jacob. He prayed for his family. He prayed for me and my coach. He prayed for the team. Hey prayed for the rescue workers.  He didn’t stop and I know God heard his prayers.

When I entered the field house I found the coaches praying. We called several of the youth ministers in town and told them about the accident and asked that they come meet us at the football field. Here was the second time I saw God move. Just that morning I had met the youth minister at Irving Bible Church. He had given me his phone number in case I ever needed it. I needed it less than five hours later.

Word was spreading fast throughout the town and we were seeing that the kids all wanted to be together to pray and to hope for Jacob’s recovery.  We looked up and they began to come. Two, three, four at a time and then there were hundreds of teenagers, parents, ministers, coaches and wives standing on the field.  We were crying, praying, holding each other and trying to explain why bad things happen to those we love. It’s one of the hardest things I've ever done.  I was trying to hold it together for those kids while my heart was broken inside.  I had just lost one of my children and they had lost a friend. We prayed late into the evening. No one wanted to leave. We knew that if we went home it would become real. That was Sunday.

On Monday everyone had to return to school. They were still waiting to hear that they had found Jacob. The story made the local news. Jacob was a senior and a star player and captain on the team. Monday turned into Tuesday. Tuesday into Wednesday. Wednesday into Thursday. The news crews kept coming. We still had no word on Jacob.  Now national news stations were picking up the story.  Then Thursday night came and the rescue teams found him. Jacob was recovered at 9:21 pm or, in military time, 21:21. What’s special about that is Jacob wore number 21. Now the team could play knowing that their captain and brother had been found.

Now it’s Friday night and God moved yet again. We were playing Flower Mound High School that night. My coach and I have several friends from church who had children at Flower Mound. Members of the coaching staff from both schools were a part of an organization called Coaches Outreach. We knew we had friends praying for us as we took the field for the first time without Jacob. Fans stopped and prayed for us and with us. They hung signs of support and gave us hugs after the game. It was an honor to be a part of TX High School Football that night.

Saturday. It was the night of the gala at our church. Amidst everything else going on that week I had to pull off a dinner for 500 people to honor our pastor. God moved again. As our pastor walked in the door he made a bee line for me and my coach. You see he was not only our pastor but he was Jacob’s pastor too. Andy knew that Jacob was one of ours. He knew the grief that we were walking through and God put him in our path to hold us up and love on us while we were trying to love him.

Monday. Now came the hardest part. It was time to say goodbye to Jacob.  On Monday afternoon we entered our church where we worshiped every Sunday and where Jacob and his family worshiped. Over two thousand people came to say goodbye and to honor and celebrate Jacob. It was a celebration. We celebrated his life and his faith and we knew it was okay to say goodbye because he was standing in Heaven praising his Savior.  There were more moments of laughter than there were tears and there were even more moments when we just stood and praised our Lord.  That’s exactly how Jacob would have wanted it. God moved in a mighty way here.

It's been five years now and God is still moving in the lives of those who loved Jacob. Jacob was a young man with a faith deeper than his years. He was quick to tell everyone he met about Jesus. He wanted everyone to have the faith he had and to walk with the Lord like he was walking. His friends still talk about how he loved Jesus. They are deeper in their faith because of it. Some of them have been about to speak on a national level about him and his faith. Lives have been touched in Africa because of Jacob and his family. There are now two homes in Zambia filled with young men who are learning about Jesus. Our friendships with his teammates are deeper and forever entwined. That team will always hold a special place in our hearts. Because we lost Jacob my coach and I have been able to speak about how coaching is a ministry for us and not just a job.

God is still moving. Lives are still being changed. Out of a great and heartbreaking loss that will forever be a part of my soul God is still moving. Matthew 5: 4 “Blessed are they that mourn for they shall be comforted.” As I sit back and see all of the times that God has moved through these five years I am blessed and I am comforted.

Cheering you on,
Laurel