Four Words

 

I never knew that four words could make such a difference in our marriage but they do.  My coach and I have been married for almost 24 years and I truly believe that four words have made a very impactful difference on our lives. We first heard those words when we were going through premarital counseling. 

I had known Mr. and Mrs. Shaw pretty much my entire life. They had four children and in age I was in between the first and second in age. I loved the Shaw family and was excited that when we signed up for premarital counselling at our church that our mentor couple was the Shaws.

In one of our sessions they mentioned four words that saved them from many heated conversations or actual fights. Those four words were JUST LISTEN. DON’T FIX.  Wow!  When I heard those words I had no idea what an impact they would have on our relationship. 

Think about it from his perspective. As a coach they are ALWAYS in fix mode. Problem with an athlete. They fix it. Problem with a parent. They fix it. Problem with administration or a teacher. They step in and help to fix it. Game plan not going according to game plan. They immediately try to fix it. They adjust. They look at the big picture. They try to fix it.

Why would it be any different when they walk through the door at home?  They see a problem. They hear a problem. They try to fix it. It’s in their DNA as men. It’s in their DNA as a coach. They want to fix it! Problem is, sometimes we as the wife of the coach don’t want them to fix it. We just want to vent. We need someone that is not our child, not our co-worker, not our mom to just hear us. We need to vent. We need to word vomit. We need to get it out in the open. BUT, when they hear us, they are in husband mode. They are in coach mode. They want to fix it!

So how do we let it all out and not be frustrated when they go into coach mode and try to game plan or fix it?  We need to stop and say JUST LISTEN. DON’T FIX.  Once we say those magic words that’s their queue to stop and process and say NOTHING. 

I’m not gonna sugar coat this or lie.  I know there are a million thoughts running through my coach’s mind with ways that he would solve my problem or fix my issue, but those four words make him stop from spouting out all of his ideas and solutions. If I say the magic four words he gets the cue to stop and just listen.  It’s when I forget to say the four words that all sorts of frustrations set it. Working for Susan G. Komen Breast Cancer Foundation, I live in the world of estrogen and breast cancer. He lives in the world of athletics. I don’t need his thoughts or game planning of how to fix my world. I  just need a non-biased ear to hear me and allow me to let all my frustrations out. Four magic words make all the difference.

So, if you find yourself in a spot where you just need to say everything that’s racing through your head or even when you have a day when just need a break from all that is your reality, make sure when your coach walks in the door, before you just word vomit or unleash all that you’ve been holding in, STOP. Talk a moment, and they say hey, “Just listen. Don’t Fix.”  You’ll both feel better at the end of the conversation.  Granted, he may still want to fix, BUT he won’t say it out loud, and you’ll both be better for it.

Cheering YOU on!

Laurel