Learning from Defeat

Texas High School Football.  Some will say it doesn't get any bigger than that. Others will tell you it’s not a sport it’s a religion. Most anyone will tell you though it’s all about winning.  I’m not going to tell you that winning isn't important. It is. No doubt about it. But, what I will tell you is that winning only teaches half of the lessons that should be taught to our athletes.

After sixteen years of coaching, my coach and I have experienced winning seasons and losing seasons.  We have blessed to be a part of some great communities during our coaching years and the majority of our seasons have been winning seasons. Even during those winning seasons most have come with a loss or two along the way.  All sorts of books have been written and speeches have been given about winning. Sometimes though,  you need to focus on the losing.

There are many correlations to real life that can be applied to a losing season or even losing one game. We don’t win everything we do or try in life and I think that kids today think that they can and should win everything.  In little league sports everyone seems to get a trophy, we don’t always keep score and kids get used to hearing “everyone is a winner.”  Well, then high school hits and all of the sudden, everyone isn’t a winner.  Games are won and games are lost. Not everyone goes to the playoffs and not everyone is handed a trophy.  That’s part of the game of life and that’s when it’s important to step in and teach the grace and dignity of losing.  It’s best to help teach our athletes that now before they hit college and the real world and don’t know how to react when the game plan of life doesn’t turn out like they had planned.

The year that we were going into our final game of the season and we were 0-9 was a great year to teach about losing with grace. It was also a time to teach determination and how not to quit in any situation.  Through nine long weeks the coaches worked with kids to teach that to never stop fighting and to always play to the absolute best of their ability.  They taught them that life isn’t always so easy and that trophies aren’t just going to be handed out to everyone. They were doing amazing things with those kids and the work paid off.  The boys never quit and they never gave up and they won their last game of the season. To some that might seem small but to them, it was like winning the state championship. They learned to work and never give up in order to achieve what they wanted the most. They wanted a victory and they got it. To them it seemed like they had one the state championship.

This is another life lesson that sports can teach you even if you’re in the stands and not on the field. We all strive for that promotion or raise or win at whatever we are doing. Not everything is always going to go according to that plan either.  Sometimes the game plan has to shift a little. We have to adapt to the things going on around us and sometimes come up with a new plan all together.  We need to take that time out so to speak and reevaluate the goal.  OK- that’s a whole lot of sports metaphors in one paragraph, but I’m the wife of a coach and I know that sports can teach you things off the field as well as on the field.
 

We can also learn these same lessons in scripture. Jeremiah 29:11-13 says “ For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.”

He’s got a game plan for us. When life doesn't give us what we want or we find ourselves at a loss, we need to stop and seek Him with all of our heart and He will show us His game plan for our lives.

Cheering you on,
Laurel

They are more than athletes - They are my children

Sometimes the plans that we have for ourselves are not necessarily the plans that the Lord has for us. Just like every little girl growing up I assumed that I would grow up, get married and have children of my own. Step one - I grew up. Step two - I met and married the man of my dreams. Step three - here's where my plan changed and the Lord stepped in with His plan. 

My coach and I were on the right track. The game plan was set. We were married; both had great jobs and were ready to start a family.  So, we started trying and found out it's not always as easy as we think. After several miscarriages, a million doctor visits, and a several years of treatments, etc. all to no avail we decided it was time to step back and re-evaluate the game plan.  A sweet friend suggested that we spend 40 days in prayer and truly search our hearts and listen to what the Lord had to say about our next steps. Many options were on the table including more treatments, adoption and whatever else the Lord might call us to do.  So we began praying. We began praying for wisdom and clear answers that would direct us to what to do next. Psalm 113:9 became my prayer. "He gives the barren woman a home, making her the joyous mother of children. Praise the Lord.” I was anxious to see how the Lord would answer our prayers.

We didn't share with anyone that we were praying and searching for answers, but the answers starting coming almost immediately.  Throughout the 40 days we were approached on at least 10 different occasions from kids who were speaking answers to us without even knowing what they were doing.  Our doorbell rang one night and in walked a player who just needed to talk.  He said he knew he could stop by because he wouldn't be disturbing bed time with the little ones. Another player said that he knew if anything were to go wrong in the middle of the night that we could always be there for him and if he called he wouldn't wake up the baby.  Another shared that he could tell us things he couldn't or wouldn't share with his own parents. Another student said that we cared for her in ways her own parents didn't. Another said she knew I would always listen and could help her see that her mom truly loved her and wasn't just spying on her. The list goes on and on.  There was our answer!  We had children. God has given us children. They just all happen to be teenagers and play sports but they are OUR children. The answer had been in front of us the entire time. We just weren't seeing it because we had been so focused on our game plan and what we assumed was the right plan.  Our plan was for one, two or maybe even three children. We found that God’s plan was bigger. It involved hundreds of children.

Each year we take “family photos” with our boys at media day. After the games one of the boys will always gather “his brothers” and we take more family photos.  These photos are on our Christmas card every year. They are also found on my desk at work and all around our house.  We currently have one player that asks for pictures with his parents and “his other parents” after each game. We've even had people ask which parents are his actual parents. We are all one family.

These children may not be physically mine, but they are mine spiritually. The Lord placed me in the role of being the wife of a coach and in the lives of these athletes for a specific reason. I share in their joys and in their heartbreaks. I get to cheer them on each time they take the field or court. My coach and I go to prom every year and enjoy graduation parties, birthday parties, etc. We sit beside them in church. On Mother’s Day, I am wished Happy Mother’s Day by these precious athletes.  I am joyous when I watch as they come to know the Lord or for others grow in their faith. I am joyous when they go off to college and come back to see us. I love when they invite us to weddings and when I am introduced to their wives and children. Most importantly, I get to share with them scriptures that my parents shared with me when they are hurting or confused. I’m there to help them walk through the pains of growing up and through heartbreaks and sorrows. Just like Psalm 113:9 promises, I am the joyous mother of children.

Jeremiah 29:11 says, “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for peace and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.”  The Lord’s plans are always better than our plans.  We just have to stop and listen and sometimes revise our game plan along the way.

Step 1 – I am grown. Step 2: I am married to my Coach who is the man of my dreams. The man the Lord chose for me. Step 3 REVISED: I am a mother. I’m not just the wife of the coach. These are my children and I love each and every one of them as if they were my own because they are mine. Praise the Lord.

Cheering you on,

Laurel

A Little Note Changes Everything

A few years ago the wife of our head coach suggested that we all write notes to our husband's position players. When we began, we had no idea the impact that we would be having on the lives of those boys. We also didn't realize the impact it would have on us as well. Several of the boys had told me thank you but I thought they were just being polite.  Turns out it goes beyond the polite thank you.They really do care about the note and what is said in each one of them.

When others hear that I write notes to the boys the first question I get is, "What do you say?"  Usually I say what's on my heart.  I pray for these players every day and I can always find a Bible verse or quote that's perfect for the week. I know what's going on in their lives and their joys and frustrations on and off  the field because I hear from my coach about them.  They come to "family dinner" at our house. I follow them on Twitter.(I learn a lot about them on Twitter.)  Then I sit down and write their note.  The contents are between me and each player.  My coach doesn't read them.He just delivers them to their locker each week. He says that's my personal gift to each of his players.

We have several single coaches on our staff so each year the wives pick one of those coaches and write notes to his players as well as the players of our husband.  Sometimes these notes are a little more difficult to write as I don't know those boys as well, but trust me when I say those notes are just as powerful as the ones to "my boys."

You may be wondering how I know how powerful these notes are to them. I know through conversations with them and sometimes even with their parents.  Teenage boys aren't always the best at sharing with their parents but I'm amazed at how many actually take the notes home and show them to their moms. One mom asked to meet me at the football game one night.  She wanted to hug me and tell me thank you for writing her son.  She told me "he's not a starter and may not even see the field, but the note made him feel that someone cared about him and was cheering for him."  Another mom told be about how she was cleaning her son's room and when she picked up his Bible several of the notes fell out. She told me he kept my notes and reread them when he needed some encouragement. At the doctor's office this week the receptionist told me I had written her son two years ago and that when he left for college he made sure those notes were kept in a safe place.She thanked me for taking the time to write him and told me that I had an impact on his life.

Last year was a difficult year for our team and the notes took on an even greater meaning for me and my boys.  They were part therapy, part encouragement, and in many ways I think they held us together as we were walking through something as a team and a family that many teams never have to face.  When one of the boys stopped me in the hall of the field house hugged me tight and said,  "Please don't stop with the notes.They are what are getting me though sometimes." I realized right then I could never stop with the notes. I knew right then the Lord as working through me with those notes and that they were making an impact for Him.

These stories are here because I took half an hour each week and wrote a small note of encouragement. I had no idea they actually kept the notes. I thought they read them and then tossed them aside, but through the years I've learned that's not the case.  Those notes are kept and cherished.  Just like I cherish each of those players.

The power of the written word is amazing.  I think note writing and hand written notes are a dying art, but I also think that's what makes the note more valuable. Some weeks my notes are longer than others. Some weeks the notes are all very similar in nature. But, each week I try to send a note or at least every other week.  I'm by no means perfect in this and well some times you just have to punt. Last week was crazy and all the boys got was a Tweet but I figured a Tweet was better than nothing.  They all agreed. They knew I was cheering for them and they knew I was there to encourage them.

As the wife of a coach, I am there to be that encouragement. I'm there to be that quiet voice to come alongside my coach and remind those young men it's not all about football. It's letting them know that we love them and we want to see them succeed and become that man the Lord wants them to become.My coach gets to do that at every practice and every game. I get to do that through my notes.So I encourage you to take up note writing and see how your world changes.

Cheering you on,
Laurel

Love Your Neighbor AND Your Football Fan As Yourself

Many of us know the verses in Matthew 12:30-31 “And you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.’ The second is this: ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no other commandment greater than these.”

For me, I do love the Lord with all my heart and that’s the easy part.  It’s the loving your neighbor as yourself part that is sometimes rather difficult.  Now before you judge me too quickly, remember that the neighbor isn't just your literal neighbor next door. (I DO love those neighbors.)  I’m thinking in the broader sense of the term – like the football fan.  They too are my neighbors both in the stands and in the community. These are the people that are watching me to see how I react to how well things are going or not going on the field. These are the people that need to see Jesus in my every word, every action and every reaction. The majority are great fans and very supportive of the coaching staff but every school has a few fans that are let’s just say – a little more difficult than the rest. It’s those fans that I’m writing about today.

Sometimes sitting in the stands and listening to all those fans who think they can do my husband’s job can be rather difficult.  There is always some point during the season that I just want to turn around and say, “Well, if your son would actually run the play my husband called, maybe things would have turned out differently.” Thing is, I can’t say that and I really shouldn’t say that.  It’s in these times that I need to take a deep breath and remember what the Lord called me to do – LOVE my neighbor.  Difficult as it may be – I’m supposed to LOVE in all situations, not just when the game is going well. Not just when we have a winning record.  ALL times.  

Win or lose, good times or bad times, on Friday nights we all arrive at the stadium for one common purpose.  We want to support our team.  We want to support our boys.  We want to cheer them on to victory.  Some people are just more passionate in how they express their support. When things aren't going according to plan, it's in these times that the wives of the coaches have to hear a little more than they want from their fans. This could make it a challenge to love them as Christ has called us to do.  As wives we put of our defensive mechanisms and want to protect our husbands and his reputation.  We know what capable he is of doing his job.  We want everyone to know that he is a great coach and we certainly want to turn around and tell that fan a thing or two about what it’s really like to coach football. It’s in these moments that you need to find some levity and bring it all back into perspective. 

We once worked with a coach that said, “There are two things that everybody in the world thinks that they can do well: 1) Make a peanut butter sandwich and 2) coach football.”  The wives loved this statement and so we came up with a little hand signal that was just for us when moments got intense and we were finding it hard to love our fans as ourselves.  A wife would simply hold up two fingers and we would all have a little laugh.  The moment passed and we all had a better perspective.

So when things get tough, just remember the number two.  Christ called us to remember two things. Love Him with all of our hearts and to love our neighbors as ourselves.  There are two things everyone can do, make a sandwich and coach.  Hold those two fingers high ladies and love well!

Cheering you on,
Laurel

Am I Married to the Coach or the Pastor?

My husband and I are blessed to be a part of a wonderful church in our community and although he has changed schools several times during the years, we've been able to stay at the same church and gotten to know our pastor and his wife on a personal level. Our pastor has a love of sports and really gets and understands the role of a coach. He gets it's more than just Friday night lights and that there is a lot more to the job.  As a coach you are growing young men and women into the adults that they will be in the future.  My pastor's wife and I have discovered that our roles as a wife are very similar in nature.

Throughout the years she has learned to smile and nod as people freely give her advice on her husband's sermons. She has listened to people with little or no training in  ministry critique his every move, both at the church and out in public.  She has learned to choose her words wisely and to think before she speaks.

As the wife of a coach I have had to learn to smile and nod as people have given me advice on the defensive and special teams calls my  husband should have made.I have learned that I can't say things like, "Well, if your son would actually run the play my husband called, maybe the play would have turned out differently."  I too have had to learn to choose my words wisely and think before I speak.

Another way she and I are alike is that we "always have to be on."  Whether you've had a good day or the worst day in your life, once you hit that stadium or gym door it's time to be gracious, to smile and to act that you don't have a care in the world except for the outcome of the game.  That's when you find your fellow coaches wives give each other your secret sign  for my day has been dreadful and I really don't want to be here.  That's their cue to build you back up, hug your neck and let you know it's all going to be okay. Every wife needs to find that special friend be the wife of another coach or a trusted friend that can be there for you in that moment to quietly whisper "I've got your back" or "It's all going to be okay."  I pray that you can find that person  for you at your school.

The most important way that my pastor's wife and I are alike though is that our husbands are both in the ministry.  Now our pastor has the more traditional role of ministry as being a pastor and he spends countless hours at the church and with his congregation investing in them and making sure they know the Lord and walk with the Lord on a daily basis.  He is helping to rebuild the lives of the lost and furthering God's Kingdom. He too is gone for hours on end and works crazy hours at the cost of being away from his family, but he's doing what God has called him to do.

My husband is also in the ministry - it's just not your traditional role as pastor. Coaching is more than X's and O's. It's more that winning games.  It's a chance to dive deep into the lives of the young men and women and to be their spiritual coach as well.  On average coaches spend at least 20 hours a week with their players - just in practices, games, watching film, etc. Once you add in the hours of teaching and game planning, and all of the other duties of a coach. the work time can exceed 80 hours a week.  While they are away from their families they at school getting to know their kids on a deep and personal level.  They have the opportunity to see where these kids are spiritually and share their faith with them.  This is an amazing opportunity and it's what God has called them to do.

So you may be asking at this point - great Laurel - I see his role, but where am I in all of this?  Well, just like my pastor's wife, I'm my coach's partner in ministry.  We're in this together.  She prays for our pastor and works along side him in their care and love of their church family.  She invests in the lives of the women in our church, teaches bible study and does countless other things that most people never see because they are behind the scenes.

I pray for my coach and when I have the opportunity I help with the love and care of his players.  I write them notes of encouragement and send treats when I know it's been a hard week.  I pray for my boys that they would all come to know Jesus and that I'll have the opportunity to spend eternity with them in Heaven.. We are all God's children and I want to make sure that when I stand in Heaven that I can look around and see the faces of those players and know that I had some small part of furthering the God's kingdom.

So am I married to the coach or to the pastor?  The answer is simple.  It's yes. Yes I am.

Cheering you on!
Laurel

Seasons

A few weeks ago, a sweet friend of mine was blogging about the seasons of her family in relation to the four seasons.  It got me to thinking about the seasons we have as a coaching family.  My husband coaches high school football here in Texas and is also the head track coach at his school.  While most families and society seem to move with the traditional seasons of Spring, Summer, Fall and Winter, at our house we move to the seasons of Football, Track, Spring Football and 7 on 7.

I love being married to a coach and moving in sync with the seasons of his schedule.  Yes, some days are more of a challenge then others but isn't that the case of day to day life no matter you or your spouse does for a living?  Right now at our house, football has begun.  The preseason scrimmage was yesterday and today he's up at the field house getting ready for the first game of the season.  Our Fall schedule has started and football is now on the calendar for seven days a week for at least the next 10 weeks.  Of course the goal is for him to be gone for 16 weeks and come home with a state title.  (More on that in the weeks to come.)

Some wives say goodbye to their husbands during this time and "mourn their loss."  They think of themselves as "football widows."  That's not the case in our house.  I'm clearly still married and he's still my husband.  He hasn't died, he's just focused.  Focused on his job, focused on his passion for coaching, focused on his boys and focused on the goal of winning that title.  When he is home, there is still that focus, but he's also able to focus on me - I just have to know for a while I share the focus area with something else.  It's okay to share the focus because I know there are times I make him share as well. I have a job. I have committees and volunteer opportunities and a host of other things that take my attention.

Early on in our marriage we created our ground rules or our playbook so to speak.  Our number one play in the book that we support each other in our passions and in what God has called us to do in our lives.  My husband was called to coach and to be a leader to his players and help mold them into the young men that God wants them to be both on and off the field.  Who am I to stand in the way of that calling?  I shouldn't be in the way. I should be the first to cheer him on and celebrate that he is able to follow what the Lord has planned for him.

So for this season, Football is focus at our house. Rather than sit at home and wonder what to do with myself and focus on the fact that he isn't around, I make my list and work to execute it during the next 10-16 weeks.  I find projects around the house that I can do when no one is home and wondering what I'm doing and no explanation is required. I volunteer at our church.  I write notes to his players to place in their lockers each week before the game. I do all the things I don't have time for when my coach is home and we are focused on other things like clean out that closet or cabinet.  To some it may seem a little strange, but I enjoy this season.  It's a time to refocus and accomplish all those things I keep saying "I'll get to that some day." Right now, I have a season of some days so time to take advantage.

More later, that closet is begging to be cleaned out right now.

Cheering from the stands,
Laurel