I’m not a Widow

Now that football season is here a lot of people I talk to like to refer to me as a “football widow”. They make remarks like “Oh, you husband is in season so now you’re a widow again.” Or “So, how’s it being a football widow again this time of year?”

I’ve really come to hate that term.  I’m not a widow.  I’m still married.  He didn’t die.  He’s just busy.  He’s obviously at the school and the field house more than he’s home, but that still doesn’t make him dead and it still doesn’t make me a widow.  When your husband actually dies and leaves this earth and you the wife are left behind then you are a widow.  Your husband doesn’t choose die. It just happens.  My husband chooses to be a football coach and he chooses to go to work.  There’s a big difference there.

Yes, it’s a crazy time for the next four – hopefully five- months but he’s still alive.  He’s choosing to coach. He’s choosing to do a job that he loves and has a passion doing.  He chooses to invest in the lives of the young men he’s coaching.  He’s choosing to teach them not only the game of football but about everyday life. He’s choosing to show them what it means to be a man of God. He’s choosing to show them how Christ has made a difference in his life. He’s choosing to show them how to be a good husband and what it looks like to love his wife.  He’s very much alive and I’m still not a widow.

I understand that while he’s very much alive at the field house that means that there are things at home that I’m going to have to deal with alone.   Yes, I know that something major is going to break and I’m going to have to deal with it.  This year that something has already broken and I’m dealing with it and we’re just out of two a days. I understand that I may have to go to work, family or church functions without him. I understand that weekends are spent without him and that things like date nights become virtually non-existent.  Even with all of that, we’re still married.  I may not see him much, but I still see him. He’s still physically in this world.  I do get to hear him laugh, see his smile and watch him fulfill his passion on that football field every Friday night.  He’s not gone forever. He’s just busy.

So for those of you who like to refer to me as a “football widow” – please don’t.  I’m still happily married.  He may not always be with me when I’m out and about but he’s still alive and a part of my life. Our married life may look different than yours but it works for us. My coach is fulfilling God’s call in his life and I’m cheering him on for listening and obeying that call.

Cheering you on,
Laurel

More than Wins and Losses

There’s so much more that goes into Friday night lights than meets the eye. In a world where it’s all about the win and having a winning record the real story sometimes gets missed.  Now don’t get me wrong, I’d much rather win than lose, but I know there’s more to it than just that.  I know that coaching is a ministry and that my husband and his fellow coaches are out there every day teaching young men and women how to maneuver through life and to be who God has called them to be in life. 

Just today on my Facebook feed I’ve seen stories about teaching a young man how to tie a tie. I’ve see a coach who went home and got a pair of his own jeans for a player to wear because his had holes in them and violated dress code. Turns out that poor kid had more problems than just holes in his jeans. He had just learned that his mom was dying.  I know of a player who lost his mom to cancer and is still angry with God about it. There’s an entire team dealing with the sudden loss of one of their coaches.  It’s our coaches that are there to teach valuable life lessons to these kids and to be the shoulder they need to cry on and to teach these kids that the Lord is in control.

Those players and students are watching as our coaches’ deal with the pressures of the season. They are watching to see how to win with humility and lose with grace. They are watching as our coaches’ act and react to staffing changes, teaching full class loads while in season. They are watching as our coaches interact with their families before and after practices and games.  Each action and reaction our coaches take, players are watching. They are looking for role models. They are determining if that’s the kind of man or woman they want to be when they grow up.

Coaching is more than X's and O's. It's more that winning games.  It's a chance to dive deep into the lives of the young men and women and to be their spiritual coach as well.  On average coaches spend at least 20 hours a week with their players - just in practices, games, watching film, etc. Once you add in the hours of teaching and game planning, and all of the other duties of a coach, the work time can exceed 80 hours a week.  While they are away from their families, they at school getting to know their kids on a deep and personal level.  They have the opportunity to see where these kids are spiritually and share their faith with them.  This is an amazing opportunity and it's what God has called them to do.

Being the wife of coach isn't always easy and sometimes the hours are long and the frustration level is high but there are rewards. The greatest reward is to see these young men come back after they have graduated and to hear them tell my coach thank you.  They say thank you for investing in them and spending time with them. They thank him for not killing them when sometimes they needed killing. Others thank him for just being there and listening. I even heard one thank him for all the times my coach yelled at him because he said that’s exactly what he needed. He went on to say that he needed someone to believe in him and he knew that as long as my coach was yelling at him and directing him on the practice field that he knew that my coach believed in him and hadn’t given up on him. That’s what coaching is all about.

Our coaches are making a daily impact in the lives of the young men and women they coach. Often times it’s the coaches that know more about what’s going on with a player than his/her own family does. It goes way beyond Friday night lights. It’s about molding the lives of these young men and women to become the person that God has called them to be and it’s up to our coaches and the wives of coaches to do our part in the process.

Cheering you on!
Laurel

Lay Down Your Burdens

If you are like me you have really enjoyed having your coach home for the summer.  Football is now in full swing in my house as it across the state of Texas. I know it’s football season but not for the reasons you would suspect.  Yes, he’s gone from dawn to dusk. Yes he comes home smelling like sweat and football. Yes there are remnants of field turf tracked across my otherwise clean floors but there’s more.

I know it’s football season because I’m receiving emails and texts messages and watching the thread on Facebook feed fill with prayer requests, struggles and concerns.  I’m watching my friends and fellow coach’s wives all of the sudden having to start dealing with things by themselves that they would normally team up with their coach on to handle. These things could be small or they could be big. On the first day of two a days at our house the garage door all of the sudden quick working. There I stood thinking “ok – how do I get this fixed before my coach hits the door. I don’t want to face him with a problem when he’s hot and tired.” Thankfully my coach’s best friend happens to be a basketball coach who’s not in season and was able to come to my rescue. Small thing. A couple of weeks ago we came home to find a good portion of the shower wall tile in the floor. Contractors have determined that I’s not an easy fix and that major construction is needed. Of course it took until now for the contractors to complete their bids and financing to get settled.  Football starts and so does major construction that comes with lots of decisions. Decisions I would normally turn to my coach and ask his thoughts.  Now his thoughts are concentrated on football and I’m home making it happen.  Big thing.

Just this week I know of wives that are dealing with parents who have been diagnosed with cancer and another whose parents have Alzheimer’s. I know a wife whose daughter who is going through a divorce and dealing with depression. Another wife whose coach who has cancer.  Another whose son who has cancer. Another wife who is closing on their house and moving the first week of school. All big things.

Each and every day there is a wife of a coach dealing with so many big and little things. We are all trying to balance these with our daily lives and trying to take care of our husbands and families during the season. For you it may be football season or basketball or baseball or all of the above. But, we don’t have to go through it alone. We have each other. Wives all of the U.S. understand what it is to be the wife of a coach. They get that our husbands are building into you men and young women while we are home dealing with a hundred different issues. They get that coaching is a ministry and it’s up to our families to show Jesus to a lot of these kids. They understand that while it’s time away from our family it’s time spent increasing our heavenly families. These wives are there for each other and they are there for you and me. Each time a request or concern is emailed to me or comes across my Facebook feed I stop and pray for that amazing woman and what she’s going through. I know other wives do the same thing for me.

I know we have each other but I also know we also have the Lord. In church a few weeks ago a member of our preaching team was talking about handling all that life seems to through at us.  He sang on old hymn that puts it all into perspective.

CHORUS
Lay down your burden I will carry you
I will carry you my child, my child
Lay down your burden I will carry you
I will carry you my child, my child

Cause I can walk on water ..
Calm a restless sea
I've done a thousand things you've never done
And I'm really watching
While you struggle on your way
Call on my name, Ill come

Lay down your burden I will carry you
I will carry you my child, my child
Lay down your burden I will carry you
I will carry you my child, my child

I give vision to the blind

I can raise the dead
I've seen the darker side of hell
And I've returned
I've seen those sleepless night
And Count every tear you cry
Some lessons hurt to learn

Lay down your burden I will carry you
I will carry you my child, my child
Lay down your burden I will carry you
I will carry you my child, my child

So now that football is in full swing I know things are going to come up that I’m going to have to deal with whether I want to or not. I also know that I can lay down that burden and that my Lord will carry me and he will carry my burden.  Lay down your burden. Jesus has you.

Cheering you on,
Laurel

The In-between Times

If you’re not a part of the coaching world you probably think the season ends with the last game. Those are the same people that think once you walk off the field or the court for the last time of the season you don’t think about it again till it’s time take the field or court again next year. Those people are wrong on both counts.

If you are coach or married to one you know that the moment your season ends you enter the in-between zone. The in-between zone can either a time when you are simply waiting for offseason or your second season to start or it can be a time of uncertainty.  That uncertainty is usually related to job status. Your coach is either looking for a new job because he’s lost his or he’s looking for a new opportunity to move up or sometimes just move out.  You are caught in the in-between or in a state of limbo.  The dictionary defines limbo as: an intermediate, transitional, or midway state or place.

For coaching families limbo is hard. If your coaching staff has immediate changes, it’s hard on the family that’s affected and its hard on the other families on the coaching staff.  If you are close with the families on your coaching staff you are hurt and frustrated for those that were asked to leave. If your coach or another good friend is promoted into that vacant role you want to celebrate for them.  You find yourself in the in-between zone trying to support both families.  While in Sunday School today, we read the Romans 12:15. It says “Rejoice with those who rejoice and mourn with those who mourn.”  

Often times you are laughing with one friend and seconds later turning around to shed tears with another. This is the part of coaching that not people see and it’s hard and it hurts but I’ve learned that you continue to love and you continue to grow.  Friendships may take on a new look but if your roots are deep with those friends they will grow deeper. You may not be on the same staff the next season but you still have your friendship and they are just a phone call, text or even a Facetime away.  There’s also always the chance that you can be back on the same staff at some point in the future.

If you’re not in limbo looking for a job because you have to you make be in that limbo world of waiting for your coach to see what else is out there.  Is there a chance to move to a bigger school?  Is there a chance to become a coordinator or head coach?  There’s always a chance for something new on the horizon.  This is always the time of year when wives living in limbo wonder if they buy that cute shirt or dress that happens to be school colors or do see if they have that same cute shirt or dress in a more basic color that could transition to any school?  Do you start that house project or wait till his contract is signed and he’s looked you in the eyes and promised that you’re staying put for at least one more season. Do you sign the kids up for summer camps and activities and ask if there is a refund policy in place in the chance that you’re moving?  Welcome to the in-between zone. 

The in-between zone is hard. When transitions have happened at our school(s) I’ve found myself running errands in another suburb just so I didn’t have to run into a parent or school board member or any member of the community for that matter. I understand that they have questions. I usually have questions too. I’m not the head coach. I don’t know what he’s thinking. I don’t know what his wife is thinking either so please don’t ask me that. I’m sure she’s running through the same emotions we all are at the moment.  I’ll usually surface again after the emotions have died down and after I’ve maneuvered my own in-between zone.  

Just yesterday my friend who is also the wife of coach and I were discussing that most people enjoy spring and the new possibilities it brings. For us it’s just another year in the in-between zone. We wait to hear if our husbands are staying or going. Are they interviewing for a new opportunity or content for another year?  We’ve just learned to trust that they are praying about what’s right for them and for our family. We remind each other to be their Ruth and go where they need us to go and cheer on their team wherever and whoever it may be for the season.

Excuse me now.  I’m going to go put Romans 12:15 in to action and laugh with my friends who on the brink on new and exciting things and also shed some tears with some of those who may need a good cry. See you on the other side of the in-between.

Cheering YOU on!
Laurel

It's Just My Opinion - Not a Personal Attack

Over the past few weeks I’ve made a few comments on social media about certain football games or teams.  To me, the comments were just simple statements about who I wanted to see win a game or who I was cheering for at that moment.  The comments were never meant as an attack on a particular person or team but it seems as though this year for some odd reason even non-descript statements have been taken as a personal affront. 

I’m still trying to figure out where I went wrong when I’d make a statement like “Go X Beat Y.” After a statement like that I was accused of being disloyal, I had people put statistics of teams and specific players on my Facebook page and almost lost a friendship over a statement I made about how I thought the better team lost the game that week.

Please hear me when I say, I’m not attacking any particular player, team or coach. I’m not willing to lose a friendship over an opinion about a game or a team. I was simply stating my thoughts and opinions and I’m trying to figure out when that became wrong of me to do because someone in the world has a different opinion.

As the wife of a coach I tend to look at football games, teams and coaches in a different light than the average fan. When I’m cheering for a team it’s most likely because we have a former player playing in that game or we know the coach and sometimes his entire family. I cheer for them to succeed. I cheer for the player to do well. There are times I’ve been known to cheer for the defense of one team and the offense of the opposing team in the same game because I know kids on both sides of the ball or we know and respect the coaches of both teams. Sometimes I cheer for a specific team not because I know someone on that team but because I know that the coach on the other side of the ball promised a kid the world and then snatched the rug out from under him moments before signing day or I don’t agree with his ethics or morals so therefore I’m not really a fan of his so, I cheer for the other side.  It’s not a personal attack on you and your team. It’s just how I’ve chosen to cheer that particular day.

Somewhere the world took a turn and all of the sudden difference of opinions in the world of football are no longer accepted or even tolerated in any longer.  I grew up in Texas. I get that football has its own place in the world and that after Jesus, it’s the second religion to many but COME ON PEOPLE! Football is game and we should be teaching those around us that there’s more to life than winning or losing a game. There are many lessons to be learned on and off the field through football and we’ve lost sight of that. We used to be able to live in a house divided. Longhorns and Aggies or Rebels and Bulldogs could be friends off the field and there was a level of respect among them on and off the turf. I’m not sure why or where the tide turned but I’d like us all to find our way back to where you could make a statement about a game without someone retaliating back. Until that time comes though I promise to keep my comments on social media strictly related to the score of my husband’s high school game and the effort put forth by his team.  So, in that vein Go Coppell Cowboys! Can’t wait to see what you do next year!

Cheering you on!
Laurel

Put My Game Face On and Bite My Tongue

Not every season can be a 10-0 season. Some seasons are tougher than others. As the wife of a coach, those are the seasons where I’ve learned that as I pull into the parking lot that I need to take a deep breath and put my game face on. I’ve learned to leave my day in the car with all of its frustrations and put that all aside for three hours and focus on my sport, my team and my coach.  That’s not always been easy for me, but I know those fans have no clue as to what else is going on in my life and I also know that my life is not a priority for them. That game and that moment are what matter to them. I’ve learned that whether I think my team is in for a battle or a cake walk I have to walk into that stadium or gym with confidence and show no fear. Parents are watching and they pick up on what the wives are throwing out there. If they see me grimace or cast a look of doubt or worry, they pick up on it.

Whether my team is having a great season, a so so season or a horrible season my game face and my attitude say a lot to those fans. My coach and team are counting on me.  When they hear the fans yelling from the stands they need to know that I’ve got their back. I’ve got their back in my demeanor and actions but this is where I’ve learned to bite my tongue.  I’ve learned through the years it’s not the job of the coach’s wife to tell fans that my husband and the other coaches know what they’re doing. It’s not my job to remind the fans that so and so missed his block or blew his coverage.  My job is to cheer on my team and bite my tongue. I want to defend my coach and his fellow coaches and to defend my players, but that’s not my job.

As I’ve walked through the years with my coach I’ve observed a variety of high school and college wives to see how they navigate the art of having a game face and biting their tongues. Some choose to sit away from the fans in a box or seats away from the parents. Others sit in the stands but learn to zone out the crowd. I once knew a wife that simply handed a fan a piece of paper and pen and said just write it all down and I’ll give it to him when he comes home. (Not sure that I would recommend that strategy.) What I’ve learned is that I need to do what fits my personality best. Every wife is going to have to learn to handle the situation with what works best for her.   I’ve learned that what works best for me is to sit with a group of trusted friends, take a deep breath, pray and remember that Proverbs 21:23 where it says “Those who guard their mouths and their tongues keep themselves from calamity.” Nothing good can come from me engaging with a fan. It’s better for me and better for my coach to keep my game face in place and bite my tongue.

So on Friday nights you’ll find me pulling into the parking lot, taking a deep breath and putting on my game face. I love my coach. I love my team. I’ll be there to cheer them on no matter what the score and no matter what the fans have to say.

Cheering you on,
Laurel

The Not So Simple Homecoming Mum

I’m not sure when it happened but sometime between 1987 and 2014 Homecoming Mums ran out of control.  If you’re not from Texas Homecoming Mums are hard to comprehend.  If you are from Texas every year that passes mums become harder and harder to comprehend. I thought maybe that it was just that I was becoming out of touch or that maybe I had grown too old to get it but as I sat in the stands last night with my fellow coaches’ wives I found that I’m not alone in my thoughts and confusion.

Mums are no longer just mums. They are no longer a simple corsage or a large flower with a few ribbons and streamers.  Mums now have become the size of billboards and involve lights, boas, bells, whistles, regular sized stuffed animals and more tinsel than you would find on a standard sized Christmas tree. There are now rules about what colors each class can have and how many of each certain item should or should not be on the mum. I jokingly asked our team chiropractor tonight if he had ever considered sponsoring homecoming.  The size of these things has got to make your back and neck feel miserable after hauling them around all day. Gone are the days when a simple corsage pin or two would work to hold your mum on your dress.  Now girls have to practically wear a harness around their neck and most likely need to work out in order to wear them. They have become so large that even when grown men put them on to see what the fuss is about they are amazed at the weight of them.

My fellow coaches’ wives and I pretty much lost focus on the game and became fascinated with what we saw. It became a game to see who could spot the biggest and the brightest. We started tallying up the price tags of the mums and figured that if we stalked up on after Christmas sale items like bows, ribbons, lights, etc. that we could start our own side business and finance vacations for all of us next year.  One wife had spotted a mum in the local grocery store that was on sale from its original $500 price and cut to $300.  You have got to be kidding me!  I realize that things are the same as they were in 1987 when I graduated high school but at that point in time $40 was a ridiculous amount to spend on a mum.  Now you want $500 for a mum?  Come on!  Where does this end? It would be one thing if this was something you were going to use again or wear again but all this for just one day at school and one night at a football game I think just seems a bit over the top. 

Oh, and don’t even get me started on the garters!  What the boys are wearing these days on their arms are larger than the mums were that we had in high school and those cost twice as much as well. 

 

I wonder if you could start a resale shop or even a rent a mum business?   Think about it. You could just swap out the ribbon with your name on it and maybe a couple of the accessories. You wear it for the day and then turn it back in after the game. You save money and you have your pictures for memories and one less thing taking up space and collecting dust in your room.  It saves your bank account and it saves the stress of all those poor moms having to run around town to gather all of the items needed to make the mum and then actual stress of putting it together or finding a crafty friend to help with the major undertaking that is mum making.

If my thoughts and observations on this subject offend you, I’m sorry.  I’m not judging you or your mum. I actually helped make a mum this year and it was pretty impressive if I do say so myself. I’m just simply amazed that a simple corsage has evolved into such a major production and financial commitment. I’m just wondering when enough is enough and it becomes too much. If you need me, I’ll be off contemplating my idea of a mum resale shop.

Cheering you on!
Laurel 

(all pictures were taken from the internet and are not actual mums from our school)