Extra Grace Required

Now that we are deep into football season and everyone has hit district play the stakes are higher and the stress levels are climbing daily. Several coaches’ wives across the state have reached out to me directly and I’ve seen them post in groups for coaches’ wives about how to deal with fans and their reactions to a bad play or a losing season. Let’s first establish that there is no easy way and it’s a skill and art form that you have to learn on your own.  We’ve been doing this coaching thing for 21 years now so I’ve learned a thing or two over the years. So please take it from me when I say, turning around to the fan and saying “Well, if your son would run the play my husband called” is not in your best interest.  That’s when I learned to bite my tongue.

A few years ago, we had a head coach that had the mantra of Extra Grace Required or EGR for short. This phrase has stayed with me and over the years has grown to be a part of my everyday vocabulary both at work and in stands on Friday nights.

As I began thinking about this blog, I asked a few pastor friends of mine for their definition of grace. David said, “I usually refer to grace as receiving the good you don't deserve (as opposed to mercy where you don't get what you do deserve).”  Alan expanded on David’s definition and said “We often substitute mercy for grace. In my ministry context being nonjudgmental is a must. Since I have no judgement to give, allowing people however messed up their lives may be to "come as they are" feels more like the grace I want to give because it's been extended to me.”

So now you’re probably thinking ok, that’s nice but what does it have to do with that angry fan in the stands? Well, here’s what I think. My coach and I approach his job as a ministry. He’s ministering to those young men on and off the field. I have the opportunity to minister to those fans in the stands. Many know who I am and the majority of the crowd knows that I’m sitting with the other coaches’ wives and our families. I’ve actually seen some turn our way when something goes wrong on the field. They are seeing how I react. When someone is yelling something hateful about the coaches, others turn to watch my reaction and the reaction of the other wives. Here’s where EGR comes in.  Rather than engaging and responding back like I once made the mistake of doing, now I take a deep breath and just whisper EGR.  I have to stop and think judgement is not mine to give. I need to extend grace to this fan. I have no idea where he’s coming from. I have no idea what battle he is personally fighting. What I do know is that my actions toward him speak volumes. What I choose not to say says more than any words spoken.

Proverbs 21:23 (NIV) says “Those who guard their mouths and their tongues keep themselves from calamity.”  Y’all trust me, I’ve seen calamity and it’s not pretty.  Learn from my mistakes. I know for some this is easier said than done. I have one friend that started taking her lawn chair and sitting in the end zone so that she was removed from the situation rather than biting her tongue off in the stands. Another wife was able to move to the back row and in the corner so that she didn’t have to be surrounded by the fans. If that’s not possible surround yourself with other wives or friends that you can help each other if the situation arises. One night I was so frustrated and ready to say something but before I could my sweet friend quietly said to me “Maybe you need to read your own blog.” I took a deep breath and giggled since I’ve written on this topic before. Find what works for you and do it and just whisper EGR.

Cheering you on,
Laurel

Blessed are they that Mourn

I remember it like it was yesterday. I don’t always remember the actual date but somehow my heart does. I get weepy. I get sad. Then I look at the calendar and think well now it all makes sense. It’s the day we lost Jacob. The day our world changed. That day was five years ago today. As with all tragedy it’s hard to see God working in the moment but when you look back you can see His hand in every step.

It was a Sunday afternoon I had been working on the details of a gala that I was coordinating at our church for our pastor’s 25^th Anniversary. I had the windows open. There was a cool breeze in the air. I was standing in the kitchen looking at cake stands for the dinner and the phone rang. It was my coach and I could hear in his voice that something was wrong. He said several of the boys were up at the lake and they had been diving. “There’s been an accident. Laurel – it’s Jacob.” My heart sank. Tears filled my eyes. I love all of our players and never want anything to happen to any of them but this one hit really hard. You see, Jacob was one of ours. He played safety. He had been sitting on my couch just last week. His picture was on our mantle. Jacob was special. He had become family.

Too shaken to drive I asked one of our neighbors to drive me up to the field house. This is the first time I saw God move. My neighbors were also Christians. Chris prayed the entire nine-minute drive to the school.He prayed for Jacob. He prayed for his family. He prayed for me and my coach. He prayed for the team. Hey prayed for the rescue workers.  He didn’t stop and I know God heard his prayers.

When I entered the field house I found the coaches praying. We called several of the youth ministers in town and told them about the accident and asked that they come meet us at the football field. Here was the second time I saw God move. Just that morning I had met the youth minister at Irving Bible Church. He had given me his phone number in case I ever needed it. I needed it less than five hours later.

Word was spreading fast throughout the town and we were seeing that the kids all wanted to be together to pray and to hope for Jacob’s recovery.  We looked up and they began to come. Two, three, four at a time and then there were hundreds of teenagers, parents, ministers, coaches and wives standing on the field.  We were crying, praying, holding each other and trying to explain why bad things happen to those we love. It’s one of the hardest things I've ever done.  I was trying to hold it together for those kids while my heart was broken inside.  I had just lost one of my children and they had lost a friend. We prayed late into the evening. No one wanted to leave. We knew that if we went home it would become real. That was Sunday.

On Monday everyone had to return to school. They were still waiting to hear that they had found Jacob. The story made the local news. Jacob was a senior and a star player and captain on the team. Monday turned into Tuesday. Tuesday into Wednesday. Wednesday into Thursday. The news crews kept coming. We still had no word on Jacob.  Now national news stations were picking up the story.  Then Thursday night came and the rescue teams found him. Jacob was recovered at 9:21 pm or, in military time, 21:21. What’s special about that is Jacob wore number 21. Now the team could play knowing that their captain and brother had been found.

Now it’s Friday night and God moved yet again. We were playing Flower Mound High School that night. My coach and I have several friends from church who had children at Flower Mound. Members of the coaching staff from both schools were a part of an organization called Coaches Outreach. We knew we had friends praying for us as we took the field for the first time without Jacob. Fans stopped and prayed for us and with us. They hung signs of support and gave us hugs after the game. It was an honor to be a part of TX High School Football that night.

Saturday. It was the night of the gala at our church. Amidst everything else going on that week I had to pull off a dinner for 500 people to honor our pastor. God moved again. As our pastor walked in the door he made a bee line for me and my coach. You see he was not only our pastor but he was Jacob’s pastor too. Andy knew that Jacob was one of ours. He knew the grief that we were walking through and God put him in our path to hold us up and love on us while we were trying to love him.

Monday. Now came the hardest part. It was time to say goodbye to Jacob.  On Monday afternoon we entered our church where we worshiped every Sunday and where Jacob and his family worshiped. Over two thousand people came to say goodbye and to honor and celebrate Jacob. It was a celebration. We celebrated his life and his faith and we knew it was okay to say goodbye because he was standing in Heaven praising his Savior.  There were more moments of laughter than there were tears and there were even more moments when we just stood and praised our Lord.  That’s exactly how Jacob would have wanted it. God moved in a mighty way here.

It's been five years now and God is still moving in the lives of those who loved Jacob. Jacob was a young man with a faith deeper than his years. He was quick to tell everyone he met about Jesus. He wanted everyone to have the faith he had and to walk with the Lord like he was walking. His friends still talk about how he loved Jesus. They are deeper in their faith because of it. Some of them have been about to speak on a national level about him and his faith. Lives have been touched in Africa because of Jacob and his family. There are now two homes in Zambia filled with young men who are learning about Jesus. Our friendships with his teammates are deeper and forever entwined. That team will always hold a special place in our hearts. Because we lost Jacob my coach and I have been able to speak about how coaching is a ministry for us and not just a job.

God is still moving. Lives are still being changed. Out of a great and heartbreaking loss that will forever be a part of my soul God is still moving. Matthew 5: 4 “Blessed are they that mourn for they shall be comforted.” As I sit back and see all of the times that God has moved through these five years I am blessed and I am comforted.

Cheering you on,
Laurel