There’s No Such Thing as the Typical Coach’s Wife

Over the years I’ve heard more than one coach’s wife say “I’m not the typical coach’s wife.”It breaks my heart when I hear that.  I feel like they are comparing themselves to this imaginary image and that it's stealing their joy. After meeting so many wives over the years, I’ve come to the conclusion that there’s really no such thing as a typical coach's wife. There’s no need for comparison to other wives and especially when it’s it so a perception that seems to be floating out there that all coach’s wives teach school and that we all love sports. I’m here to tell you that’s not true on either case.

Perception #1 - All coach’s wives teach school.

Now a lot of wives do teach and I truly admire those coach’s wives. They have a set of skills and patience that I’ll never have. They are heroes in our schools and get to engage with the athletes in ways that those of us who don’t teach won’t ever experience.

However, I’ve been the wife of a coach for nineteen years now and I’ve never been on a staff where even the majority of the wives teach school. I’ve seen stay at home moms, accountants, bankers, nurses, for profit jobs, nonprofit jobs and everything in between. There’s no one career mold that fits all.

I don’t teach. I’m in the nonprofit world. My coach is supportive of my career and knows that I’m exactly where the Lord has called me to be. Yeah, I don’t get summers, spring break, fall break, etc., but I’m in a job that I love and am excited to go to work every day. 

Perception #2 – All coach’s wives love sports.

Yes, it’s probably easier to be the wife of a coach if you do love sports, but you don’t have to. Some people just don’t enjoy sports. I get that. If you don’t love/like sports, I encourage you to find other ways to get involved in your husband’s career choice. Maybe it’s writing notes to his players or having them over for dinner. I haven’t loved every sport he has coached over the years and some I’ve even found quite boring so I try to find other ways to be involved rather than just watching. I find a job that needs to be done. I’ve kept the book. I’ve worked the concession stand. I’ve passed out the medals. Through all of these I’ve learned to appreciate the sport a little more and my coach sees that I want to support him in what he does.

When my coach and I married, I enjoyed football but I really didn’t have a clue what was going on during the game. He gave me “Football for Dummies” and I read it and asked questions. My thought process was that if football was going to be a part of my life, I should learn something about so I could at least be a part of his conversations. I work for Susan G. Komen and tease him that he needs to know as much about breast cancer as I know about football. That’s what works for us. Find what works for you.

Coach’s wives come in all forms, all careers and all levels of love or dislike of sports. The beauty of it is, you and your coach found each other and there’s something there that’s special. Focus on each other and support each other. Remember there’s no such thing as being typical so quit trying to compare yourself to a perception. Don't let a perception steal your joy! Where would the fun be if we were all alike?

Cheering you on!
Laurel

But it IS Personal

If you’ve ever read any of my blogs I hope that you know that I try to be thoughtful about what I write. I never want to come across as knowing everything or hurting anyone’s feelings as I write. I’m not the overall expert in being the wife of a coach but I have tried to learn from my mistakes over the years and I try to be intentional in my writings. Some things I mull over in my mind and write and rewrite for months.  This is one of those blogs. Please know that it comes from my heart and it not intended to hurt feelings or friendships. It’s about a phrase that is used in passing and I’m sure if anyone that uses it stopped to think about the hurt that it brings they would stop saying it. Ok – so here it goes.

I’ve heard the phrase several times over our years of coaching and each time I hear it I want to come unglued.  The phrase usually comes after a parent as expressed frustration about the coaching staff and in some cases even called for the staff to be let go. The phrase – “It’s nothing personal.” After hearing it, I bite my tongue, count to ten and just nod. 

Here’s what I’d really like to say:

Don’t you get it?  That coaching staff that you just criticized and are calling to be replaced spends more time with your child and up at the field house than they do with their own friends and family. Even when my coach is home, he’s on the computer working game plans, watching film, checking grades, responding to your emails, on the phone with other coaches, on the phone with parents, responding to texts from students and athletes, the list is endless. When we are out to dinner it’s the same. He’s responding to urgent emails and taking calls. If we run into you while out in the community, he stops and talks and listens to your questions, concerns, comments, critiques.

It’s personal. It’s very personal. My coach wants what’s best for your child.  He wants him to succeed on and off the field. He wants him to grow physically, spiritually and academically. My coach is all in when it comes to your child – so it IS personal. If you’ve spent any time with us at all you know that we think of your children as our own.  They are a part of our family. They are on our Christmas cards. They eat dinner at our house. It IS personal.

My coach invests in your child on and off the field. Whether you child starts, sits the bench or somewhere in between, he’s invested in his well being. You aren’t there at school and at every practice. You don’t see the one on one conversations that are taking place. You are probably not aware of the text conversations. My coach is listening to the thoughts and frustrations of your child. He’s investing in him and showing them that sports teaches more than just playing time and success.  Sports is like life, sometimes it doesn’t go according to plan. There is always someone smarter, faster and stronger. Your attitude does determine your altitude.  Your work ethic says a lot about your character.  My coach is trying to teach life lessons that will make him a better man. Sports is just a blip on the radar of your life, but the man that you become lasts a lifetime. Set your goals and hearts on eternal things not just that playing field.

My coach has invested twenty years in coaching. He’s all in. To invest that long proves that it IS personal. Please don’t insult him by saying it’s not.

That’s what I’d like to say, but I don’t. I’ve learned over the years, it’s not my place and that it would probably do more harm than good. So, I write and rewrite it in my mind for months. It’s how I process. Now I’m finally putting it out there on my blog for the world to see. I hope that you as you read these words you see the heart that it behind them.  It is personal for me and my coach and we are all in for your child.

Cheering you on!
Laurel